Marrying your best friend
Many young men dream of marrying their best friend someday, so we develop this philosophy that we need to be best friends with a female before trying to escalate the relationship to the romantic level. This often backfires because what we didn’t consider when embarking on these friendships was how to cultivate the reciprocal interest of the female we like.
Being married to your best friend is amazing, I really can’t imagine a greater pleasure in life. However, getting from strangers to best friends to exclusive relationship to married is the trickiest obstacle course known to man and it can take many years to build such a relationship.
Just a friend
The problem I had growing up was finding someone who wanted the same thing and wanted it with me. I also had a huge timing problem, by the time I struck up the courage to communicate my intentions to my friend who I liked she had already locked me in her FRIENDZONE. I would get hit with the classic line that stabs the heart of every guy who has ever communicated that they liked their best friend.
“You are a nice guy and you know I love you, but you are like a brother to me”.
OUCH! the agony, the horror, the heartbreak is real! But you can’t blame the girl for being honest about how she feels. It would be much worse if she led you on then dumped you down the line.
What if I told you the friendzone can be avoided and you can determine whether you go there or not? In this article, I share some lessons I wish someone told me when I was growing up.
Lesson 1: From The Start, Be Intentional
Women often complain about how obnoxious guys seem when they come on strong at first. Don’t take that to heart, they actually often like it, because it can be a boost to their self-confidence. Now I’m not saying you should come on strong, however, I am saying that you should communicate your intentions in a smooth and respectful way.
If you want a relationship that progresses to marriage do not tell her you are ok with being “just friends”. If she says “let’s be friends first and see where things go from there” and you know that you don’t want to be friend-zoned say “hey that sounds like an appealing offer but I have enough female friends”, and walk away. This won’t be easy especially if you really like her, but your intentions must be clear. If you were kind and sincere enough in your approach you may get a second chance but at least she knows your intentions.
Lesson 2: Be Confident
Even if you are a handsome superstar with money, you will be rejected a couple of times, and that’s ok it’s a part of the journey. Do not internalize rejection and start thinking you are ugly, poor, unappealing or unattractive; because what you think of yourself will come through in your approach and you will settle for the bare minimum of having the girl you really like as just a friend. You must assert yourself and show that rejection does not phase you.
Keep in mind that you can only marry one person, and this must be a woman who is attracted to you just as much as you are attracted to her, trust me, you don’t want to marry anything less. So, if she is not responding positively to the vibe you are putting forward keep it moving.
Lesson 3: Do not rush things but communicate what your goal is
So, the girl you approached has responded favourably. Proceed with her, but again communicate what you want. Tell her you want to become her best friend and so because there is a lot of preparation that you need to do for where you intend the relationship to go it is best you both focus on being great friends now.
Give her timelines, give her signals to watch out for. Women like when men have a plan of action. A man that is just aimlessly floating around doesn’t inspire loyalty from a woman. So, she likes you, but if you start playing games by not defining the relationship as you want it and in a way that works for her, she will probably be snatched by another more serious guy.
Lesson 4: Do not introduce physical intimacy into the relationship
This one is tough. You both really like each other and want to express those emotions in a sexual way. However, physical intimacy will quickly become the focal point of the relationship if it is introduced too early. All of a sudden, the friendship building process will be taken over by an attachment that is physical and not mental or spiritual. If you want to marry your best friend that friendship needs to develop organically, not pressured by internal or external forces, but rather nurtured by intentionality and patience.
Even harder than keeping yourself from introducing sexual activity is resisting the advances of the woman you are with. Trust me, my brother, you will probably disappoint her in the short term but earn major respect points in the long term and present yourself as different from all the other guys, if you do your absolute best to maintain the boundaries that prevent the relationship from becoming physical intimacy focused.
This article is aimed squarely at you young men who are coming up through school. You are not quite ready for marriage, but desire is riding you like a jockey on a horse. You can marry the girl of your dreams once you finish school and start making money. But until then, to cultivate the relationship you want from the stage you are at now; you must apply these lessons.
Darren Salmon is a 28 year old young man from Kingston, Jamaica where he read for his Bachelor of Science degree in BioTechnology at the University of West Indies. He became a follower of Jesus when he was 10 and has since developed a ministry of Christian Poetry for which he has gained a godly reputation. Darren is husband to the lovely Mrs. Kimberley Salmon (previously Morgan), another talented young writer with Christian Today. Darren is a joint 1st place recipient of the Tronson award for international young writers with Christian Today for the year 2019. To read Darren’s previous articles visit his weebly site at https://www.pressserviceinternational.org/darren-salmon.html