So since we last spoke/talked/caught up things have changed. And not just the incremental change; like that I now take my coffee without milk or that I have been adding an extra 15 minutes onto the end of my run ( though those things have happened too) but quite significant change.
It started about six months ago when I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. But more than that – I confessed to God that I wanted out of my job. God asked me if I would quit and trust him and I said no. When God asked me two more times if I would quit, I replied no. Then God reacted by saying that he would in fact cause something to occur which would force my hand. Something did and I went from being obstinate in front of God to having no choice but to obey.
I quit my job on God’s promise that he would provide for me; his exact words were “quit and trust me”. After a season of rest I found some temporary work; which whilst being healing for my mind and soul was not so healing for my finances! I cried out to God again, going what is the plan?
One evening I was part way through a glass of wine and I typed in what I wanted from a job. I happened to come across something that looked ideal and I applied. I was asked for interview! The night before, I had three hours sleep and thought ‘okay God, either this is a sign that not because of my strength and capacity but because of your favour and purpose I am going to get this job, or I am not’. I had the telephone interview after being intravenously fed with coffee all day. I found out the next day that I had got the job!
Now I know that in your mind you are thinking to yourself; great word Rosie but what has this got to do with me? Well I guess in many ways, nothing. But I just want to share with you my testimony of what God has done and to share some honest feedback of what I am experiencing right now.
The first thing I am experiencing if I am honest, is relief as I was feeling like the job I was currently in was for a season – which was turning into winter. I had never laughed so hard at work; the people I came across were warm and friendly but I knew that God had more for me.
I had I guess a godly impatience for more. The second thing I was experiencing as I accepted the job was a not inconsiderable amount of fear; would I be right for the role and would I make the right impression? Have I even heard right from God about this and is this actually favour or some fluke sign that I should ignore? And the third thing that I was experiencing was a not inconsiderable about of sadness.
I had spent over four years trying to plug away at building a community for myself in Manchester; serving at church, joining a running group and getting to know my neighbours and it felt like God was tossing all that away because I had made one cry to him. I felt like I had made the wrong decision.
The feelings are still there right now, if I am honest with you. I have a sense of numbness deep down which I am trying in ways, to ignore and also to engage with. If someone had told me the month before that I would be given this opportunity I would have jumped at it, but having been given this chance to have a completely different perspective and direction I am feeling a bit numb.
And I cannot quite understand if I am being ungrateful to God or if I need to shake myself up and just stop being so worried. Perhaps a part of me is just tired. Sometimes I think that it is possible to be spiritually tired/ bankrupt. You have nothing left and all of you is used up. You have momentary excitement about plans and future ideas only for it to become ensnared in the reality you now face and it is just too much.
Perhaps you are in the place of dreaming, but the tiredness of the past just gets to you a little bit. I feel I am in this place. I know that this opportunity is great – but I feel numb too. I am a little confused but also hopeful that God can work, even in the numb places of my life.
Not always a loud voice
As I was re-reading this article I was also hoping that God would stir me to some great spiritual crescendo – the English or writing equivalent of “but then”. The answer would surely come would it not? But nothing did.
No word came and no picture sprang to mind at even this stage to bring me out of this numbness. I have to be honest with you all and say that I wonder if we all want an ending or neat full stop to our emotion – a time that our thoughts or worries can be made to stop and not seep into the next season of our lives; or colour our thinking of the forthcoming chapter.
But maybe how we are, how we walk into this next phase – whether we run or crawl or quietly come forward. All those modes of being are enough. They will do. We all get on public transport in different ways don’t we? Some stagger, some jump, some waltz and some strut.
However we chose to move on to our next chapter, we have to allow ourselves the freedom and space to move into it in whatever way feels appropriate and right. One thing is for certain; when the bus rolls up I 'am' getting on it.
Rosie Robinson is a young writer based in England.