My heart’s deepest desire is to be known, remembered, and heard by everyone whom I meet, admire and love. I thought that the only way I could achieve this desire was by being impressive, admirable and charming. However, the older I get, the more I realize how easy it is to be unknown, unheard and forgotten.
As I try to process the different facets of my life, I frequently ask myself this question; Who am I doing this for? And if I am being honest, I don't always know. Sometimes I feel like a machine, just operating.
Doing what I am told. Doing so I can please. Doing so I don’t upset.
Searching for whatever magic that is in this world. Looking for objects of desire to satisfy whatever my heart misses. As I evaluate these thoughts, two biblical characters come to mind; Gomer, Hosea’s wife, and the Shulammite, from Songs of Solomon.
Though their stories revealed different truths about God’s love towards man, particularly Isreal. There are aspects of each character’s life that don’t get spoken of a lot. Aspects, I believe, would have possibly raised the same question in their hearts; Who am I doing this for?
The Shulammite: Greatly loved, but she was not enough for the one whom she loved.
In Season 6: Episode 2 of my favourite American series. “How to get away with murder”; Vivian, ex-wife of Sam Keating, and Annalise Keating, widow of Sam Keating, had a 2-minute confrontation. In the middle of this confrontation, Vivian said the following words;
“Sam was the magic, you felt it too. A man who not only sees you and sees the ugliness inside you but wants you even more because of it. Sam wanted me like I was perfect. All of me, perfect. You don't get to feel that and be okay when it goes away. It's a horrible feeling, like death.”
According to The Songs of Solomon, the Shulammite was greatly admired and loved by King Solomon; but, according to 1st Kings chapter 11, verses 1 -3, Solomon loved many women and had many wives. Whatever magic that existed between the Shulammite and Solomon wasn’t enough for him. She might have been the favourite but she wasn't the one and only.
Gomer; She offered herself to many but neglected the one who loved her the most.
In the 2009 biographical film; ‘An Englishman in New york’, Quentin Crisp, a gay English writer, asked a young white gay male artist this question; “ Why do you say it is impossible for you to find love?”. The young man responded;
“Why…. Because the object of my desire is a real man. And the essence of a real man is that he doesn’t fall in love with someone of the same sex. I wouldn’t want me. I don't think it's fair to expect anyone else to.”
In this film, this young man would have his sexual needs met via hookups at gay bars and clubs. Very similar to Gomer, who would sleep around with different men. Why though?
Why would she continue in prostitution when Hosea, who was her husband, was financially obliged to her? Why would she sleep in other men’s beds when she has one under Hosea’s roof? My guess is that she was still searching for the object of her desires, and sadly it wasn’t Hosea.
Two sides of the same coin.
Both the Shulammite and Vivian saw the magic they gained being taken away from them. Meanwhile, Gomer and the young man found the object of their desires to be nonexistent, hence they hid in promiscuity. They were either never enough or no one was enough for them.
Sadly, that is our reality under the sun. Where we can never be enough for anyone and no one can be enough for us. Yet, there is a plot twist. He was crowned with thorns, beaten and bruised and was left hanging from a tree.
#1
Jesus' life demonstrated that he is worthy to be the answer to the question stated earlier. Unlike Salomon and Sam Keating, He is always here, not far away but close by. His life also demonstrated that in him our desires can be made complete.
He heals, provides, rescues, redeems, fights, liberates, protects, strengthens, honors and restores. In a world, that; steals, kills, accuses, abandons, enslaves and dishonours. Unlike the things and people of this world, only Jesus has enough to be enough for us.
Make no mistake! Doing life for Jesus' name's sake is hard work. It requires a lot of patience, humility and wisdom.
However, it promises more peace and joy when compared to a lifelong pursuit of magic, which can be taken away; or, an endless search for the object of our desires.
Making Jesus #1 is a lifelong commitment filled with small moments of tough choices. So, to my original question, who am I doing this for? I resolve in my heart to say, Jesus. I hope you do so too.