There is something about the predictable plot lines that leaves me hanging for the next week's episode. I get a high, I get a rush, but I also feel strangely comforted.
It gets worse; I also love re-runs of trashy TV. It is the predictability and knowing what's coming that I enjoy. To paint the picture clearer, during a recent re-watch of the Brave Heart movie I asked a friend "Do they kill her…?" they explained "Just watch and see" I simply replied "I need to know so I can prepare myself". I feel a little self-preservation to ease the shock never hurt anyone. I clearly live life on the edge.
What you are reading ladies and gentlemen is the confessions of a control freak (with terrible taste in TV).
I am a predictable human being. I like my routine. I like the food I like. I like the friends I have. I like the job I do. And I don't want any of it to change. Society would say high maintenance control freak, I would say avid planner living life 10 steps ahead. How Exciting.
As I look around I notice I am not alone. Even in the person that appears so cool, calm and collected, beneath it all is a desire to be in control. In fact, I would expect most people reading this would have at least an inkling of what I am on about.
Why the control?
After my turbulent introduction to teenage life I became unsettling aware of the life's unpredictably. You have a plan and then it's gone. You had a crush on that guy, but he likes your BFF. Your friends bail on you. Someone gets an illness. You don't get that job you planned for. We really have no idea and we hardly ever will. And it was exactly then that I taught myself Class A control freak behaviour. Lists, timetables, personal schedule, work schedule, friend schedules, chore schedule's.
This was also coupled by alarming questioning that maybe God isn't omnipotent? I started to ponder the very foundation in which I chose to believe in God and quickly decided, if he wasn't in control, someone had to be, right?
The crux? I was hacked off at God and thought stuff this, I can do a better job. Sound familiar? *cough* Satan. Now there's a daunting parallel….
Uh oh, "Let go and let god" didn't work.
During these stages of rebellion I thought I knew better. I didn't exactly fall off the rails and live a life reminiscent of the Rolling Stones; rather I decided my way was just a bit better. With my way, things would get done faster and how I wanted them. My way clearly led to results. The catch phrase I'll never forget was, people reminding me to "Let go and let god". HA! I thought this was absolute bollics. Letting go to some cosmic force who I didn't think was omnipotent anyway?! This never worked for me, and I don't think God ever wanted it to.
God's plan (he did have one after all!)
My understanding of God is that he is relational. He is in the business of drawing closer to us. You only have to read the stories about the Israelites to see how desperate he is to be with us. He delights in our invitation to involve him in our lives. The communion of doing life together. Us and God.
To simply 'let go' and 'let God' is too passive to build a relationship. So I started talking. Talking to God. I started telling him about my lists and I started to involve him in my schedules. I didn't let go in one moment but the gradual involvement led to a greater trust as he revealed his character to be worthy. Even if I still wasn't sure of his control I knew his love and nurture was a greater asset to my life than a God who could be my magic genie controlled by my click.
He wanted a relationship with me, a two way street where I shared my experiences with him. He wanted this because he knew eventually I would understand he knows me. And that is what matters.
One of my favourite lyrics is "Don't you hide my child, place your hand in mine, I know, I know you". Whether I think he is in complete control or not I can rest assured that he knows me. Like I a friend I have known for years, he knows me.
Because he knows me, he knows I cannot simply 'let go'. And he doesn't ask me to. He asks me to place my hand in His. And walk. With him. In trying to understand my control freakish behaviour I have come to learn something truly unique about our wonderful god. He would rather do life with me, than for me.
So this is a confession of a control freak. I am still a control freak. And I've stopped trying not to be. Rather, I'm trying to be one with God. Surely two is better than one?
Chloe Pryor is a young adult living in Auckland, New Zealand. Having recently completed her Bachelor of Dance she is pursuing a career in dance instruction and has opened her own dance business. When not teaching small children how to skip Chloe enjoys spending time drinking coffee, eating cake and having a chin-wag with friends.
Chloe Pryor's previous articles may be viewed at www.pressserviceinternational.org/chloe-pryor.html