Earlier this year the New Zealand Herald ran a story on relationships, and that piece alerted me to a different issue, that of a growing pastoral matter that is heartbreaking to many women.
This specific scenario is a biological one that relates specifically to women. It runs a path such as this:
Man and woman are together for many years, around the 20 year mark (married or de-facto it matters not). Moreover, sometimes it is the woman, mostly the man, but children were not on the agenda.
The reasons are many. Career path. Hedonism. Health. Family medical history. Travelling the world on the Yacht. Missionary work. The bigger house. The lifestyle. Bank balance ....
Come around the 40 years of age mark and the women is realising her child bearing years are becoming tenuous. She decides it's time. He thought she was happy without children. A baby would now mean a complete change to 'everything'.
Arguments begin. Disputes arise. Anger comes to the surface. Frustration reigns supreme. She is counting the cycle. He makes himself scarce or needs more time to come to terms.
Two optional things eventually occur. Either, she realises it is not going to happen and therefore knows the choice is hers to either stay and be childless or leave and try and find someone who might take on a 40 year old desperate for a baby.
Or, he realises that the relationship as it has been for 20 years or so, is no longer in its current state and he is really not interested in any other. In a spirit of humanity, he leaves (lets her go) so she can go off and find what she wants.
Heartbreak
The heartbreak for the woman is that she realises what a fool she had been all those child bearing years giving all that she had to this man who proved he had no interest in having children with her. Those years had been lost.
Now to hunt for a man who will provide her the dream of the heart or go down the IVF road which at 40 plus becomes horribly problematic if not improbable. The reasons might be many, some medical, but more probably societal in relation to such a child being born to a 40 plus woman who will the usual grand mother age when the child is in their teens.
What is worse for the woman, her ex, teams up with a young woman, and she starts having babies. Maybe it was the realisation of the part of the man that a woman's heart involves that of bearing and raising children. Maybe this young woman puts it out there – buzz off - unless we have a baby.
Regardless, she realises her decisions in those critical child bearing years, has led to her own situation. She could have left him, but it was too comfortable. Leaving him too early would likewise be disastrous when he may changed his mind in a few months time – this cycle went on and on and on until it was too late in the day.
Research
This New Zealand report says most in their 40's who are getting divorced are in their 40's. It's likely to be around the 14 year mark when it comes to and end. The articles cites an age when people start to reflect on where they are in life and what they want.
In Australia it seems there is another growing trend of this 40's-50's age group. That is the marriage consists of a childless partner and the other having had 2-4 children from a previous or previous relationships.
It's not as one might think, the randy older gentleman finding his love nest with a beautiful woman who has had 'bad luck' on one or more occasions bringing with her a quiver of children.
Rather it's more and more the other way round. The gentleman has the children in tow, and the new woman in his life without children gains an instant family.
Talking to Centrelink people, the paper work in deciding where the entitlement funding is directed and to whose bank account is problematic to say the least.
The pastoral issues are inevitably associated with broken trusts, the children's anger, the expectations and frustrations, the wants and the realities, the desires and the lack of where-with-all, the inability to adjust or the space needed and not given.
On the other hand, apart from an occasional outburst, many work these thing through with the necessary accommodations. The Scriptures are replete on all manner of relationships – it's pretty earthly – but pastoral care is one of those ingredients of just knowing there is back-up as when needed. Churches across the nation play a vital role in this with ministers / pastors and members of congregations meeting out such love and care.
Dr Mark Tronson is a Baptist minister (retired) who served as the Australian cricket team chaplain for 17 years (2000 ret) and established Life After Cricket in 2001. He was recognised by the Olympic Ministry Medal in 2009 presented by Carl Lewis Olympian of the Century. He mentors young writers and has written 24 books, and enjoys writing. He is married to Delma, with four adult children and grand-children.
Mark Tronson's archive of articles can be viewed at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/mark-tronson.html