In everything do to others as you would have them do to you. (Matthew 7:12) Forgive, if you have anything against anyone. (Mark 11:25) Love your neighbour as yourself. Love does no wrong to a neighbour. (Romans 13:9,10)
We urge you… to admonish the idlers, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with all. (1 Thessalonians 5:14). If then there is any encouragement in Christ, any consolation from love, any sharing in the Spirit, any compassion and sympathy, make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. (Philippians 1:1-2) Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. (Philippians 4:4-5)
Be angry but do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your anger. (Ephesians 4:26).
No one should wrong or exploit a brother or sister… For God did not call us to impurity but in holiness. Now concerning love of the brothers and sisters, you do not need to have anyone write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another. (1 Thessalonians 4:6,7,9)
He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness. (Micah 6:8). And now I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. If you have love for one another, then everyone will know that you are my disciples. (John 13:34,35)
Finally, all of you, have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse; but, on the contrary, repay with a blessing. It is for this that you were called - that you might inherit a blessing. (1 Peter 3:8-9)
Our own uniqueness in community with others
Rowland Croucher says we were created by God to enjoy him, appreciate our own and others' uniqueness, and to grow in community, or fellowship with others. You begin by knowing who the real 'me' is. If you don't like yourself you won't enjoy living with others either.
When I ask people in counselling 'What do you like about yourself?' I often get a 'nothing' response. Some of us avoid responsibility for our behaviour with the excuse 'Well, nobody's perfect.' True, but you don't have to opt out of growing; nor do you have to live with the negative self-fulfilling prophecies you or others have heaped on yourself. At the deepest level your identity, your perception of who you are, has derived from what others have communicated to you about you.
It's on the esteem of others that you base your own self-esteem. With the help of a caring friend, learn to accept yourself. You are an unrepeatable miracle of God's creation. If you want to get along with others, you had better start with the person inside your own skin!
Then, affirm the uniqueness of others. They, too, are who they are as a result of the mix of verbal inputs into their lives by significant others, plus the accidents of life
they have experienced, plus their own success or otherwise in determining to become a whole person. The Christian approach here is simple, and it works: pray to your and their Creator God for a gift of love: to view the other as one precious to God and
made in his image. You can't pray this prayer sincerely for too long without beginning to appreciate the other!
The sickness of affability
Then, let's be lovingly honest with one another. One of the great middle-class sicknesses of our time is affability. We are so nice to each other it's sickening. We play games to cover our true feelings. Rather than 'walking in the light' we leave one another to stumble in the darkness about who we are and they are. But then, if we cannot 'speak the truth in love' without the risk of creating greater hurt rather than healing, we might have to (a) learn 'win-win' conflict resolution skills, and/or (b) follow the advice on my desk calendar the other day: 'Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.' (Marcel Proust once said, 'The one thing more difficult than following a regimen is not imposing
it on others').
Rowland Croucher says that from "what I have learned in my own marriage, and seen in others, there are not many questions more important than this: 'Am I willing to train myself away from selfishness toward the point where I honestly care how the other person feels?' He cites John Claypool, from an unpublished sermon, 'How Much of Yourself Will You Give?' [197]: Carl Sandburg talks about the 'zoo' inside each of us – there's a pig, and a lion, and a tiger, and a gentle deer. We have all kinds of feelings within us: we are responsible for some of them and not others. But although there is a zoo in me, I am keeper of that zoo!"
Bonhoeffer
He cites Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together, San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1954, p. 30. [122]: The gospel tells of the triumph of the personal in the silence of a technological world. The Word became flesh. The Word dwells among us. The metaphor of the personal is carried in the stories of Jesus again and again.
The shepherd seeks for a lost sheep, a father looks for a lost son. Here is a parent who gives not a stone but a loaf of bread, not a serpent but a fish. Here five thousand sit down together to share a simple meal. Two men travel on a road and are joined by a third. In deep conversation they end their journey with the breaking of bread and what is hidden is revealed, what is a mystery penetrated with the joy and wonder of communion.
The overwhelming sense of an Apology
Rowland Croucher cites an an apology, it is a friendship preserver, is often a debt of honour, is never a sign of weakness, is an antidote for hatred, costs nothing but one's pride, always saves more than it costs, is a device needed in every home. Forgiveness breaks the chain of causality because the one who forgives you – out of love – takes upon themselves the consequences of what you have done.
Forgiveness, therefore, always entails sacrifice. The price you must pay for your own liberation through another's sacrifice, is that you in turn must be willing to liberate in the same way, irrespective of the consequences to yourself.
Rowland Croucher's full analytical discussion on "Getting along with others" jmm.aaa.net.au
Rosie Timmins in a journalism graduate from Bond and is based in Melbourne ministering with OAC as an Intern.
Rosie Timmins archive of articles may be viewed at: www.pressserviceinternational.org/rosie-timmins.html