I know that I am a follower of Christ.
I know that I am a believer.
I know I have been "Born Again."
BUT…
I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. (Romans 7 verses 21-25)
Often I talk to my students about this dilemma in my journey as a Christian. I often think it is much better for them to hear of my doubts, fears and yes, my sins (for public disclosure); than a self promoting, self esteem, feel good, bless me in everything, God is on my side because everything is fine (when it clearly is not) philosophy.
There are times to proclaim from the roof tops the blessings of God, the favour of God, the miracles of God and encourage others to do the same.
There are also times to ask questions, experience doubts, to be and feel fully human.
For me, this tension is an essential part of my Christian walk. It is a tension that scares me, but it is a tension that drives me.
I sin. I do the wrong thing. I deserve punishment.
Despite this, I help people, I encourage people, I weep with people, I feel close to God and love talking with Him and about Him.
I have an incredible ability to offend and hurt people. I have an incredible ability to love and help others. I am a living paradox.
Thanks be to God who delivers me through Jesus Christ.
Russell Modlin teaches English and Physical Education at a Christian School on the Sunshine Coast. He is married to Belinda and they have three children.
Russell Modlin's archive of previous article can be found at www.pressserviceinternational.org/russell-modlin.html