Throughout my whole life I have geared myself towards performances. From the very first moment on stage in my miniature tutu performing a 5 year olds rendition of the nutcracker to now passing on that love of performance to students. Performance shapes me. Performance drives me. Performance is what I also use to measure me.
It comes as no surprises that naturally, when it comes to faith and I can't seem to separate my need for performance with freely accepting salvation. God's merciful grace seems completely irrelevant if I've been a bad girl. The idea of an unconditional love is hard to hold onto when all I want to do is perform and earn the love of my heavenly father. It is both liberating yet difficult to fully grasp the idea that God loves me, the way I am, flaws included. If I could be perfect I would, yet thankfully I have realised that God doesn't need my perfection, He is that for me.
Making it personal
When I was 16 years old, my dancing was my world. I had decided that dancing would play a large part in my future, yet in what capacity was still to be determined. I had been for years tirelessly training towards various ballet and jazz exams, striving for perfection. A highlight to the end of every dancing year was the annual concert. We had been learning a rather strenuous point dance, difficult to master yet so exhilarating when we did. I was so excited to perform this piece to my family and friends and be recognised as a dancer on my way to something great.
After mastering the dance, various rehearsals and 10 excited 16 year olds later, we were ready to perform. The curtains opened and I felt as though I could touch heaven again. We danced beautifully, as a group and individually. I was already so proud of myself, and the dance wasn't over yet.
Into the last 30 seconds of the dance I was fluttering on point across the stage, front-centre. Graceful, beautiful. Then in an instant, there was no way to avoid what had happened next. Bang on centre stage for all to see, I fell off point. My ankles simply gave way and rolled. Thankfully there was no face plant, but there was a definite hobble through the last part of the piece. This moment crushed me; I had failed in my performance.
I liken this story to my relationship with God. When I read the Ten Commandments I can't ignore the crutch that I have failed. I liken this story to the way that I try to earn my salvation. When I'm not performing for him, does he remember the times that I did? All those crazy hours spent at church…FOR HIM. As someone who struggles to distance themselves from being the over-committed 'yes' person helping at church, I struggle with the idea that if I'm not doing anything FOR God, will He still love me?
Unconditional Love
I'm thankful to say that the answer is yes. Yes he will love me when I'm not performing. Yes he will love me when I am just spending time resting in who he is. Yes, he will always love me. Pretty crazy to wrap your head around, huh?
Scripture endlessly speaks of the unconditional love the Lord has for us. Unconditional as in, loves us despite flaws, sin and mess. The notion of unconditional love is difficult to accept as it bears no resemblance to what we see in society.
We are constantly facing messages of "If you do this, I'll love you", "If you're like this, I'll love you". Yes, God does have desired ideals for us, yet he loves us in recognition of our fallen nature. He always has, always will.
So, how do I respond?
It is okay to accept that this 'unconditional love' business will take people a lifetime to grasp. To be quite frank, I'm still scratching my head as to why he loves us anyway. Yet, I know he does. So how do I respond?
Well sadly, I seem to keep performing. I think it is my greatest sin. I don't know how I'll ever be content knowing that God loves me as I am and resting in being enough for him, but I have embarked on the journey towards it. I don't mean to say that volunteering and sharing your time with others to build the church is wrong, but I think we must consider in what motive we are performing in.
Is it to please others? Is it to please yourself? Is it to earn your salvation? Or is it simply to bring joy to the Lord? A wise woman once told me as I starred burnout in the face "Chloe, even if you didn't do another thing for the Lord, he will still and always love you". Boom.
I urge myself (each of us) to stop performing, he doesn't need our performance, He is chasing our hearts.
Chloe Pryor is a young adult living in Auckland New Zealand. Studying a Bachelor of Dance, in her spare time she teaches young children dance, ballet and jazz, whilst volunteering hours in the youth ministry of her local church. Chloe has a passion for God and serving the local church with a defined heart for women.
Chloe Pryor's previous articles may be viewed at www.pressserviceinternational.org/chloe-pryor.html