According to the online dictionary, one of the meanings of control is 'to exercise restraint or direction over, dominate, command.' But another intriguing interpretation of control is this: 'to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of'. I read this as restricting the development of a person or limiting the way a person behaves and flourishes –stunting the essence of that person to become who they are meant to be.
Being a controlling person – or even being the person who is controlled – is not looking like a healthy option!
Indeed, control can seem harmless on the surface. It's not to be confused with self-control – the bible talks about the Holy Spirit giving us a spirit of self-control. Yet patterns of control over others that start in the small often seep into more major parts of our lives, affecting our self-esteem and relations with others at the core.
As this stage, I do want to acknowledge that control can be rooted in a Jezebel spirit, which may need to be broken off through prayer ministry. But for the purpose of this piece I want to focus on the fundamental reasons of why someone might try to control others and look at some practical answers.
Why do we control?
1) Needing to control others can begin with dissatisfaction with how our life is unfolding.
2) Perhaps we have been put into a situation that makes us feel uncomfortable or out of control, and we've been taken out of our comfort zone. The only way to restore our own sense of security is then by controlling others in the situations around us.
3) Controlling others can be tied up in a sense of our undiscovered identity. If we don't know God's dream for us, and who we truly are in him, then we are likely to seek our identities vicariously through the lives of other people.
4)The fear of being out of control or out of our depth can mean we control others as we search for our place, and strive to put others down by elevating ourselves to lift our own importance.
Time to change?
If having control in one's life is not going to help or enhance a relationship with God – it's more likely going to limit hearing his voice. So then, if we have been controllers in the past, how do we relinquish this pattern of behaviour and move forward?
1)Discover your identity in how you are made, your calling. This is learning to see yourself independently of your work role, your friendship group, your ministry, your spouse or children – it's who you are with everything stripped away. Just you and God.
2) Seek contentment in all things. Sometimes going for that surf, bungee jumping or sipping cocktails on the beach might seem the true essence of life, compared to the boredom of the reality of life – grocery shopping, cleaning the bathroom, doing your tax return. Fight any dissatisfaction in your life and don't compare your situation to others!
3) Discovering that you are enough just as you are. And this means surrendering what we think we should be and discovering what we can be in Christ.
4) Ask God to open your eyes to how he made you– as Psalm 139 verse 15 says, 'My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.'
5) Understand that change is always a process and we are constantly being made new in him –as 2 Corinthians 3 verse 18 puts it, 'And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.'
6) When we believe we are loved by the Lord, that whatever we do, he will know us and accept us, and that we are never too broken for him to see us as his children.
7) Knowing that our souls need healing – not just our spirits – and pursuing this healing in every part of ourselves.
8) Growing to understand the goodness of God is his character – our sense of control is loosened as we learn that we can trust God because he is good.
There is of course room for prayer to cut off deep spiritual holds that may be generational but on a practical level, seeking who you are gives you a sense of freedom in what you know, and not having to prove yourself –learning to be – 'Be still and know that I am God' (Psalm 46 verse 10).
There is a beauty in letting people be who they are, to give them the space to create and to just be who God made them. As you let go of control, relationships will change shape and quite possibly look different...but there will be a sense of trust that wasn't there before in that they will know that they don't need to change to be accepted wholly by you. They can be who they are.
Amanda Robinson is originally from The Lake District in the UK. Amanda works in Publishing in Auckland and is passionate about seeing Christians bring salt and light into the media, arts and creative industries. She is also working on fighting her FOMO and doing less.
Amanda Robinson's previous articles may be viewed at www.pressserviceinternational.org/amanda-robinson.html