According to many, I'm not a great wife.
I'm not domestic enough, I don't do a lot of house-work, I have a career, I don't want children, I'm too loud and opinionated.
Sometimes it feels as if I fail in every way to measure up as a wife.
This has been proclaimed, literally to my face, by many; pastors, family, in-laws and even my own subconscious reminds me of it.
Happily the one person who hasn't said it, is my husband.
Although some say this is merely self-preservation on his part, I believe he actually likes me, even in this role of wife, which I appear unqualified for.
When we were discussing this, he laughed and said "I didn't choose you hoping you would change!" To quote Bridget Jones— "he likes me, just the way I am."
People like to "should" all over you
People can find our happiness hard to believe. Some have a picture in their minds of what people "should" be like without acknowledging that every relationship is unique.
In church circles there is a sermon on "the Proverbs 31 woman" which many of us have heard repeatedly.
It's about a mythical woman who is perfect in every way. She sews clothes for her family, she gets up early to cook, she is never idle, she watches over her household.
I hear that and feel tired.
The sermons usually focus on the homely, motherly qualities of a stay-at-home wife. (Mother's Day is prime time to hear this sermon.)
There's a feeling that married women "should" be nurturing and motherly. The fact some women have never liked babies is irrelevant; on marriage an instinct to love and adore their tiny potato-like faces is expected.
God created me without the desperate desire for children, and given my fertility issues this is kind on his part. I've seen how hard it is for people who do want kids but can't. I'm deeply grateful I haven't had to go through that.
Yet I'm reminded frequently that this isn't "normal," usually by well-meaning Christians who believe having a family is what fulfils a woman.
Even in secular life we are often told women are more interpersonal, with a higher EQ (emotional intelligence) and men more task focused with a higher IQ (traditionally-measured intelligence).
Men who are interpersonal, caring and thoughtful with high EQ can feel less than; the box system of "normality" doesn't work for them. The traditionally expected masculine focus of career, intelligence and providing and being seen as strong and brave doesn't suit everyone.
In fact that traditionally "male" list might fit me better than the feminine, motherly one.
Does that make me a man?
God's great expectations
Luckily I don't like people who contribute unasked for opinions on my wifely attributes, so usually I ignore them.
I do, however, quite like God so his opinion has more weight and when I read about "the virtuous wife" in Proverbs chapter 31 for myself, I am encouraged.
Verses 13 to 27 deal with specific virtues, including the traditional motherly ones, but also business, sales, strength, wisdom and kindness. Verses 28 to 31 go on to explain how rewarding virtue will be.
But the beginning description, verses 10 to 13, is my favourite:
Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
Despite my lack of domesticity I have virtues that my husband, my family and I myself value highly. I am smart and love to learn, I am hard working, I am loyal and generous.
I like to think my worth is above rubies although this is hard to be definitive about.
It is my deepest desire that my husband can trust me in all things and that he will have no lack of gain. I want to do him only good and not evil.
Also encouraging is the fact that my husband doesn't necessarily want someone to do the housework or breed with.
To be happy; he needs someone who fully, wholeheartedly believes in him: an encourager, who loves him and tells him that he is brilliant and amazing. Someone who helps him through challenges and loves him through difficulties encountered.
Funnily enough, MY husband actually needs ME, not a mythical domestic goddess.
I think we need to remember that "normal" is a myth; we are all different and relationships are complex. It's because of our differences that people are able to do so many things for God's glory.
I'm going to try to remind myself not to "should" on anyone, because kindness might be the best virtue of all.
Kara Greening trained in biology, works in chemistry and wonders about the physics of the TARDIS. She is passionate about exploring her faith and being wholehearted in life. She is married to a primary school teacher and they have two cats, one of whom likes to drop live mice in her shoes.
Kara Greening's previous articles may be viewed at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/kara-greening.html