Pain is part of the world we live in. As prevalent and almost natural as it is, nobody wants to feel it. We try everything we can to avoid it. We run from it, fight it, but most often I think we fear it.
On social media we portray the 'happy' snippets of our lives and leave out the rest of the show reel—the real stuff, the hard stuff. Pain is ugly, nobody wants to see it. So we hide it and we fear it.
The thing is, we aren't meant to live in fear. Fear of pain causes us to stand passively on the sidelines of life rather than joining in and getting to experience the glorious moments of victory because we are afraid of the pain of defeat.
Fear of pain robs us of intimacy
Most of all, our fear of pain robs us of rich, life-giving relationships. Once our heart has experienced rejection, disappointment or hurt, our natural response is to build walls around it in a fierce attempt to protect ourselves and avoid encountering such pain again. The problem with these walls is they make real intimacy impossible. Two hearts cannot be 'knit together' if one or both have walls up!
An excerpt from my journal reads;
'I think the more we try to protect ourselves from pain the more we become numb. And actually, I want to feel pain. I want to let things break my heart. Fear of pain is the enemy of compassion. I want to feel deeply. To block ourselves from potential pain is to perhaps move away from the heart of God. Because God feels pain. Deep pain shows deep love. I want to love deeply and that means opening myself to the possibility of being hurt deeply. But love is the goal and I don't want a watered down version of it. I want the real thing.'
I don't want to love cautiously. These two words are an oxymoron anyway.
Vulnerability opens the door for love
How do we break down our walls of self-protection? I think vulnerability is one key. Vulnerability is like a trickle of water that becomes a powerful river to break down walls built of fear, making a way for others to see and to know our heart.
There is a powerful beauty and freedom in vulnerability that enables us to grow strong in who we are, as we allow others to love the 'real us'. Intimacy has been described as 'in-to-me-you-see'. Vulnerability allows others to see us for who we really are, and therefore allows authentic love to thrive.
Should we be vulnerable with absolutely everyone? No way, we need to be wise about who we let in. Boundaries are healthy, walls built of fear are not. If we know our value and worth, we will know how to have healthy boundaries and only let people into our 'inner circle' who we know will honour and celebrate who we are.
Freedom from fear
Even a whole person with healthy boundaries will still be hurt and disappointed by people they are close to, because humans aren't perfect. But the inevitability of pain is no reason to 'love cautiously'. So how do we overcome our fear of pain?
I believe it is only possible to win the fight to be a fearless lover when we realise that God is the keeper of our hearts. Proverbs chapter 29, verse 25: 'The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe'.
We don't have to spend our energy trying to protect ourselves from hurt, because God does that. The more we trust Him to care for every part of our hearts, and believe He is always good and has only the very best for us, the more we can love freely, without fear. The more our hope, faith, security, confidence, value and worth is founded in Him, the less demand we put on our relationships. Our job is simply to love and be loved.
Made for intimacy
Everyone is looking for 'true love'. True love is not blind—it is intimate and so it sees the weaknesses and failings of the other, yet chooses to love anyway, and to not define the other by their shortcomings. True 'love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance'.
Fear stops us from being vulnerable and therefore suffocates the growth of intimacy. Fear that if someone could really see us and all of our failings, they would reject us. But there is no fear in love. We cannot give it any room in our relationships.
We have to believe in a love that is strong and pure. We have to take risks and stop allowing fear to govern our lives and our relationships.
We were made for intimacy but we have to fight for it. Life is all about relationship so we may as well do our best to do it well, and persist even when it's hard. If we push beyond the conflict and miscommunication, having connection as our goal, we will find treasures beyond what we can imagine within our relationships.
Let's keep fighting the FEAR of pain, rather than pain itself. Because LOVE makes it worth it, and pain just points towards our desire and need for love. And even in pain we are never alone. God is close to the broken hearted, and he always redeems...beauty from ashes, joy for mourning. Let love be our goal and our choice in all things.
Bonnie loves all things old-fashioned, exploring new places, coffee with friends and being with her family. She is passionate about broken hearts and relationships being restored through the power of vulnerability and honesty with God and others. Bonnie has a Bachelor of Humanitarian and Community Studies and a Master of International Public Health, and hopes to work in developing countries one day.
Bonnie Dowie's previous articles may be viewed at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/bonnie-dowie.html