The female readers may be knitting their brow with a frown – no clue of the meaning of the above. Male readers may be shifting on their seats knowingly – yet awkwardly wondering why an article on a Christian on-line newssheet starts with a pseudonym for male masturbation.
And so I lead you dear reader as a female writer, into the under-explored and secretive territory of porn (and with it, masturbation) in the church and its effects on marriages, singleness, families, views of the opposite sex and our general perception of reality. Where some pastors shy away from confronting and addressing the world of porn from the pulpit – it's commonly an unspoken myth among women that the men are using it, and an unspoken reality for the men that each male church-goer is likely to be using it to some degree. And I'd say that where there is porn, there is masturbation and where there is masturbation, from all that I've researched, there is a Christian struggling with a deeper issue.
So what exactly is pornography? Interestingly, opinions from male and female friends of all ages offered various standpoints on what constituted porn. We'll go with the definition kindly supplied to me by Steve Taylor, Director of 24-7 Counselling service; 'Pornography is the practice of indulging in anything of a sexually specific / explicit nature that has the potential or capacity to objectify your spouse in the realm of sexual fantasy, as opposed to intimate reality.' Feedback also constituted that men needed a visual stimulant to be able to masturbate, so used porn (according to one, the term 'wank' was more user-friendly and less intimidating – scarily proving how it becomes disassociated from reality). Women seemed to need more of an emotional connection and so her 'porn' might be erotic fiction (thinking Fifty Shades of Grey?) just as much as 'Magic Mike' type strip show. And it's so easily accessible – internet, phone, magazines.
"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5 verse 28
So the bible tells us that porn is not the best option for us. But are we ignoring the issue as Christians? According to Nathan Edwardson, the lead pastor of the Stirring Church, a church plant in Redding, CA, 9 out of 10 guys admit to struggling with porn and masturbation … and 5 out of 10 women with porn, lust and masturbation (podcast.moralrevolution.com).
New Zealand Stats
Promisekeepers in New Zealand say that 47% of Christian families admit that pornography is a problem in their household (www.promisekeepers.org.nz). The website Prodigals International says that 5 out of every 10 men in the church are struggling with some issue concerning pornography and that 60% of women admit to having significant struggles with lust. And even more concerning – the church leaders: again, Prodigals International claims that 54% of pastors admitted to viewing Internet porn in the last year and 30% admitted viewing within the past month (prodigalsinternational.org). And these statistics are growing.
Although statistics show that some struggle with lust, my concern is that the general feeling is that single female friends, girlfriends, wives and daughters don't fully understand the full impact the use of porn is having among our male counterparts in church. And so it is from this standpoint that I believe I am qualified to discuss the subject – I represent the ignorance of much of the female church population about the hard facts of porn. My own experience of porn is limited to a five minute hilarious snapshot of a porn video at University over the shoulders of ten guys (at least what seemed to be funny at the time), mistakenly clicking on junk mail in my inbox – and working for a Publisher which produced soft porn as a small part of their Publishing programme.
Basically, up until researching for this article, I have been living in a dream world: where my male friends were abstaining from sex before marriage, I automatically presumed this also covered porn. Not so it seems. In some cases, sexual abstinence was increasing the problem; somehow it was 'OK' as they weren't defiling the women in their own lives – the women they were defiling were disconnected from their own reality. It isn't cheating if we are single, right? …Or is it? Cheating ourselves maybe that we can provide comfort for a short moment, before those feelings of guilt and shame kick in.
When married?
If we persuade ourselves that porn is OK when we are single, how does this habit stop when we get married? Pastor Nathan Edwardson says, 'Porn teaches us we can have sex with whoever we want whenever we want.' What women can't understand fully is that men seem to be able to able to disassociate an image that inspires them to visit Mrs Palmer and her five daughters at the same time as being in a committed relationship. From a female's perspective, I would see looking at other naked women as cheating and betrayal (especially when in a pre-marital relationship, you aren't going anywhere near nakedness together), leading to a lack of trust and respect – and feelings of inadequacy for the women.
Surprisingly for me, professional counsellor Steve Taylor told me that, 'In 15 years and 15,000 hours of practice, I have never met a husband who didn't still love his wife – simply husbands and wives who somewhere down the road stopped entering each other's worlds and interests – porn use is symptomatic, not causal in nature, of some other relational issue that is usually long overdue for a discussion.'
Have the Christian men around us set up a fantasy life around their insatiable urges where their wives don't live up to the sex the men have been having with themselves for years? Does the porn industry give us the expectation that sex is a natural right, where it's always incredible and nothing is ever difficult and we are the "Sex God" that we want to be? These habits become ingrained in our attitudes about how we perceive each other, where we struggle for perfection and nothing is ever good enough.
Satan came to seek and destroy and he'll be laughing at the fact that the average age of first Internet exposure to pornography is 11 years old, that 90% of 8-16 year olds have viewed porn online (most while doing homework) and US$10–14 billion (over NZ $16.5 billion) is spent annually on pornography / adult entertainment, the same amount the US government spends on foreign aid (www.grabstats.com). And that for counsellor Steve Taylor, the issue of porn is as prevalent among Christians as among non-Christian couples, with approximately 10% of presenting issues at his Practice are porn-related.
What the Lord made for good
So how do we fight what the devil came to destroy and re-instate what the Lord made for good – sex in a committed relationship – not with ourselves or an internet video with a girl or guy we will never meet. How do we guard our hearts from becoming poisoned with complacency, that masturbation should be called 'wanking' so it becomes less controversial? How do we protect our children from becoming internet sex addicts at the age of 11?
When I asked Steve Taylor how he counselled couples where porn was an issue, his reply was that he first helped the couple to identify what their core values were as a couple. Then they looked at which of these values might have been breached by the issue that is presenting itself, then working collaboratively on a plan to help the couple re-align their core values within the relationship. This was just the start of the deep healing process, which might also call for a radical re-negotiation of the terms of the relationship. Porn leaves us broken and betrayed, causing rifts between couples – it is the antithesis of what God had planned for us.
Of course, all of the above are just questions, but I'd like to see Christians convicted in ridding themselves of this garbage. Committed boyfriends and girlfriends having open discussions about porn, setting solid foundations for a trusting marriage. Husbands and wives working through offence and hurt and bringing themselves back into the reality of their present with each other.
Pastors preaching at the front about the 'Elephant in the room' (as coined by Nathan Edwardson) and bringing these deep addictions and struggles with porn back to God. Remembering how God designed sex and intimacy by re-reading the Song of Songs. Admitting a problem and addressing it by visiting trained professionals. Let's not brush this issue under the carpet.
Let's talk loudly about porn from the front row of the church. Cringe worthy – yes. Christians may still have the same issues as their secular friends, but let's be actively doing something about it rather than being sucked into engaging with what presents itself as a current world of Sodom and Gomorrah.
For Christian Counselling in New Zealand, contact Steve Taylor at www.24-7.org.nz
To listen to Nathan Edwardson's great podcast on the subject, podcast.moralrevolution.com
Amanda Robinson is originally from The Lake District in the UK, Amanda works in Publishing in Auckland and is passionate about seeing Christians bring salt and light into the media, arts and creative industries. She is a member of SALT (www.saltmedia.co.nz) and Artisan Initiatives (www.artisaninitiatives.org). She is also a youth leader at a church in West Auckland and is involved in Christian Surfers www.christiansurfers.org.nz.
Amanda Robinson's previous articles may be viewed at www.pressserviceinternational.org/amanda-robinson.html