Lord, what did I do wrong? Why do others seem to be more blessed than me? Do my accomplishments matter to you? Am I not doing your will if I only do a little for your kingdom expansion? Am I really called by you?
Questions
These are just some of the questions I often ask myself whenever I feel the distance between me and the Lord or whenever I feel inadequate for His love and affection.
There are even times that I ask my husband if he thinks the Lord still loves me. Such a funny thing to do, but I often ask the same question whenever I feel the distance between me and God.
Maybe you have asked the same questions as well, especially when we see other people doing a lot better than we do or when their ministry expands, and we find ourselves unproductive (not according to how He sees us but based on our criticism of ourselves.)
Sometimes we think that way. We love to assume that God requires us to do a lot of things to be accepted by Him. Of course, we need to bear fruit because He commanded us to. But when we find ourselves not meeting these so-called "God standards" that we set based on our understanding, we get frustrated, discouraged, upset, and eventually depressed.
2018, way back in the Philippines, I had this conversation with Abba, not during my devotion. Because whenever I feel the need to speak to Him, I go directly to His chamber and ask him like a little girl, yes, like a little girl!
Because the Bible says He is our Abba, our papa, and we are His children (John chapter 1 verse 12). So I came boldly after seeing some of my colleagues who were already in the field doing what they're called to do and me still in the same place for almost three years doing church ministry yet still seeking for more.
I began to compare myself to them, which, I know, is not the right thing to do since the Lord teaches us to be contented. But because I struggled with my discontentment, I felt so insecure that I started to think 'maybe the Lord doesn't see me anymore’, 'maybe He doesn't love me anymore’.
Those thoughts made me ask Him, ' Lord? Do my achievements matter to you? Does it affect how you look at me? Then He answered me gently, reminding me of the very words I often hear a certain preacher say, 'There's nothing you can do to make me love you less.'
God loves me!
God assured me that I am loved by Him not because I'm well known, for I am not, neither for being intelligent nor for having done great things. He loves me because He is Love, and nothing can change that.
No contribution from men can make God love us more. Not from me and neither from you. It is good to know that we can always come to Him at any time of the day simply because we are His children.
He has loved us even before we can do anything pleasing in His sight. God loves us because that is His nature. The Bible even mentioned that He loved us even while we were still sinners (Romans chapter 5 verse 8).
So I encourage everyone, if there comes a time you feel inadequate, remind yourself that God demonstrated His love for you by giving His only Son as a ransom for your sin.
Does it mean we are now free to sin? No, it is not a pass to sin. It is a reminder that you are worthy and special. You are deeply loved and highly favoured. As it says in Isaiah chapter 43 verse 4: Since you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.
It's not because of what you do that matters to Him. You matter. And when we realize how special we are in His sight, it will enable us to look at other people the same way He looks at us. And we will understand all the more why He loves people, even though we are unlovable.