Comfort eating. My faithful friend for the last decade or so.
I can’t pinpoint the exact date but over time I’d developed a habit of reaching for food when I experienced negative emotions. I convinced myself that it wasn’t a huge problem since I’m in a ‘healthy’ weight range, and I only snacked when I felt sad.
However, my husband politely pointed out that I also reach for junk food when I’m tired, or if I’ve had conflict with someone, or if I’m under pressure. I remained in denial that it wasn’t an all-encompassing problem until… my yearly blood test told me otherwise.
Ok - time for a change.
I tried to cut out sugar for 6 weeks, I did it successfully and felt great - but at the next birthday celebration and the taste of delectable cake, I was back to my old habit and at it ten times harder!
I tried watching Netflix documents about the effects of junk food – I was disgusted and horrified by the idea of damaging my body for about… a day, before the life-sucking sweets serenaded me again.
(Just quietly, did I mention I’m a physiotherapist and I promote health to my patients?)
It seemed like a battle that I couldn’t win until I decided to speak to a Christian psychologist. She explained to me that overcoming comfort eating completely is possible – if I’m reaching for food because I need comfort, then I needed to uncover what feelings and thoughts, were bringing up the need for comfort.
She explained the process of neural rewiring – in a one sentence summary, it’s that we can rewire the pathways in our brains that make us act certain ways, when certain feelings came up. I was familiar with this concept from an exercise perspective – I’d used neural rewiring when working with stroke patients and teaching them how to regain the use of their limbs.
But I’d never thought of it from the point of comfort eating. With scientific reasoning behind it, I was excited to give it a try.
Yet I knew science and my own efforts were not enough - I’d tried that before - so grandma and I both started praying for this weekly, as I asked the Holy Spirit to help lead the way.
Meditate on Jesus
I started to meditate on Jesus words that spoke to the holes in my heart, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John Chapter 10 verse 10). I remember the first time I read this verse; I was bamboozled. I knew Jesus came to give me eternal life – but he was talking about life now and it being full? It seemed unachievable.
But I meditated on that verse every day for a week and I read it in different translations – Life abundantly, life overflowing, life with joy, life in its fullest measure!
I was determined to taste more of this freedom.
I started keeping a journal of events that made me reach for cookies:
Day 1. Walked the dogs around the block. Saw construction workers pass bricks to each other. Need a cookie!
I couldn’t really figure out the link between dogs, construction workers and cookies, so it was time to figure out what I was feeling. As I tried to uncover what I felt – images of Kettle chips, donuts and chocolates came up. It seemed that any time a negative emotion came up – I’d shortcut processing it and go straight to the solution of numbing it with food.
I literally didn’t know what I was feeling, other than I didn’t like whatever it was, and I certainly didn’t want to feel it.
My psychologist told me to focus on sensations in my body which might help me know what I was feeling.
Ok, attempt two. Bricks smashing against each other loudly…chest is tight...heart’s beating fast…anxiety’s rising.
Next step – why does this make me anxious? (Long pause)…It’s making me feel unsafe.
Unsafe. I felt unsafe.
It took me many steps to know what I was feeling but I finally had uncovered it.
I thought back to parts of my childhood where I felt unsafe and loud noises meant things were escalating and I needed to be on guard. But I’d never realised that everyday loud noises were triggering that same feeling of me being unsafe.
I spoke to my psychologist the following session – I celebrated identifying my feelings but what next?!
She asked me to repeat the thoughts I had spoken to myself, once I had figured out I was feeling ‘unsafe’.
I thought back and told her it went something like this “Why are you feeling unsafe? Stop being stupid, the construction workers are doing their job and it’s got nothing to do with you.”
She smiled and gently suggested I tried a more compassionate approach, “Why don’t you tell yourself, ‘I’m safe now, this is not the same’.”
So the next day I walked past the construction site again, the same feelings of anxiety rose and instead of letting me judgmental inner voice speak, I told myself, “I’m safe now”.
Instantly, my heartbeat stopped it’s 100 m dash and went for a relaxed victory lap instead. I casually walked home, past the kitchen – without any desire to stuff my feelings away.
It was a big win after years of having no idea what was going on. It doesn’t explain why I reach for cookies in a multitude of other reasons, but it was the first taste of victory after a decade of defeat and I believe there will be many more wins.
Jesus came to save us and give us full lives - it doesn’t mean we will be free from suffering, but it does mean, that we don’t always have to suffer.
Many of us have gone through some sort of trauma or multiple traumas at different points in our lives – and even if we’ve grown from it, we can still carry scars that hold us back. If this is you, then I hope sharing this part of my story will help you also to connect with your feelings and your thoughts and to speak to yourself with the compassion that Jesus would.
If you felt like you can’t change, I hope my story encourages you to get the help you need. My prayer is that you get to know Jesus and experience the life that He came to give you – a life lived to the full!