It's almost been a whole year since my husband and I were married. We thought it'd be useful to reflect on what we've learnt in our first year of being husband and wife. There is so much more to learn, and yet I feel like we've gained so much in such a short space of time.
My husband and I had not lived together before we married, so there was plenty of change for our relationship. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest, but for some reason, this hasn't been the case for us. This is not to say that we haven't had a tough year, but just less difficult than anticipated, relationally.
Amongst all the chaos that life brings, it is important to stop and reflect on the fact that we are not who we once were, nor are we now who we will be in a year's time.
We made the decision early on in our dating relationship that we wanted our friendship to be the most important thing. We did our best to create a solid foundation for our relationship, centreing it on Jesus, with his mission in mind. Part of this mission, we have realised, is learning to love one another like he loved us.
However, when you have two people who are, by default, concerned with their own wants and needs, this gets a little bit tricky. When sin entered the world, it broke everything, including relationships between people. This is no different once you get married. If anything, once you get married, you get to see more of the flaws in yourself and your partner because you spend so much time with them.
We are, by default, self-centred
Most people know that they are prone to thinking about themselves majority of the time. We all tend to focus on our desires and needs. I was aware of this before getting married, but I didn't know the extent of it until getting married. Living with someone you're committed to for life presents an opportunity to have fun, get to know each other more, stay up late together, sleep in together and cook meals together.
However, it also presents the opportunity to consider the needs and desires of others before yourself. This hit me like a rock. All of a sudden things went from "I love you so much!" to "Why the heck don't you do things my way?"
Every day presents an opportunity to put the other person before yourself, whether it's the fact that they don't value cleanliness as much as you, or that they aren't too good at communicating how they're feeling. Although we fail to love each other as Christ has loved us, perfectly and sacrificially, he gives us grace in our weaknesses and teaches us more about his unconditional love for us.
God wants to make us more like Jesus every day
God has created marriage as a wonderful platform for us to learn how to love like he does. As two sinful, self-centred people come together in marriage, fixated on Christ and his perfection, the Holy Spirit works to make them more like Jesus. What is it about Jesus' love that can be shown in marriage? It was sacrificial, costing him everything. It was unconditional, with no strings attached. It was undeserved, yet given to us.
It was costly, yet he valued us enough. It was servant-hearted, though we were hard-hearted. These are the things I see exemplified in marriage. God teaches us to sacrifice for each other. He teaches us to give unconditionally without expecting to be paid back. He teaches us how to show grace when grudges could be held. He teaches us to lay down our lives for each other, putting the others' needs before our own.
Just as I have experienced acceptance in Christ, and come to know more of God's grace, God has used marriage powerfully to show this all the more. When your husband or wife doesn't deserve to be forgiven, it is an incredible opportunity to exemplify the grace of Jesus. Through this, we understand more of the gospel.
Boys aren't the only ones who want to have sex
This is something else that I didn't expect, mostly because of everything those pre-marriage books told me. I had anticipated that the guy would be the one to initiate sex, but I've realised that it's okay that that's not always the case. Girls like having sex too. This is something the books don't always tell you. What's more, girls think about sex too!
I don't know how many books it took to misguide me to think that it was only guys who thought about sex or wanted it most of the time, but there were at least a few. I've also learnt that this isn't something to be ashamed about. God created sex as a gift to us to be mutually enjoyed, not as a chore or a 'duty' to fulfill just because you 'should.'
Differences are actually helpful
Before we got married I was a bit concerned as to how we would go living together knowing that I'm a bit of a clean freak and, well, my husband doesn't value cleanliness as much as me. I also recognised that I hate being late. My husband doesn't mind too much if we're running behind schedule. It's easy to think that these differences are the end of the world: "Why can't you just be more like me?"
Over the past 12 months I've realised that these differences are actually helpful. If he weren't so fussed about being late, I would continue to hold idols about what people think of me. If I weren't so clean, we'd be living in a mess. If he weren't so adventurous, I'd never take any risks. If I weren't so organised, we wouldn't get as much done as we do each week. Our differences become strengths when we start to see them as helpful, not hindering.
My partner will never be Jesus
There are so many things to love and admire about my husband. However, I am also aware that he has flaws and fails me often. For this reason, I cannot count on him to be my Saviour or my 'everything'. Jesus is my Saviour and my everything.
Sometimes I look up to my husband and admire him so much that I need to be careful I'm not putting him in Jesus' rightful place. Thankfully, God reveals areas that he fails, but Jesus succeeds.
We have so much more to learn, but taking the time to stop allows us to reflect on God's goodness, faithfulness and grace to us in making us more like Jesus through marriage.
Perhaps you're married and haven't given thought to what God has taught you over the years. Why not sit down for a meal together and reflect on God's amazing grace working in your lives.
Sarah Young is completing her Masters in Clinical Psychology and loves spending time engaging with young people. She spends her spare time writing songs, running and going on adventures with her husband, James.
Sarah Young's previous articles may be viewed athttp://www.pressserviceinternational.org/sarah-young.html