It can be very hard to forget the things that have deeply hurt us. It can even be worse when we've been hurt by someone that is close to us. I have often heard of family members that go for years without talking to one another due to previous disputes.
It can be so bad at times that the hurt turns into bitterness. We want to get even or want the worst to happen to that person. But there's one thing I've found that can help us let go of the past and move forward with our lives. That is finding the heart to forgive.
Somehow it's just not that simple
Relationships can be tough but they can also be very rewarding. Letting go of the hurt and finding the heart to forgive someone can be quite the challenge. Forgiving can be something we often expect others to do and yet we neglect that we need to do it too. We often replay or hold onto hurtfull incidents not realising that it is doing us more harm than good.
Many years ago, I was deeply hurt by a friend. They repeatedly tried to call me and I chose to completely ignore their calls. I felt so hurt by what they had said and done that I didn't want to speak to them again. I became bitter and depressed.
But forgiving someone is a choice
Weeks went by until one day I decided to answer their phone call. The very first thing they asked was if I could ever forgive them for what they had done. They apoligised and I came to realise that all they wanted was my forgiveness.
Sometimes the way to begin mending a broken relationship is by choosing to forgive. The other person may never come to apologise and that is something beyond our control. However, I can choose to forgive that person in my heart. There is a sense of freedom and peace that comes with forgiveness for both parties involved. This is what I felt when I chose to forgive my friend.
So do we forgive some and not others?
Forgiveness is a mandate for all those who adhere to the Christian faith. The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant (Matthew chapter 18 verse 21-35) provides a perfect example of how we should forgive. When Peter asked Jesus how often he should forgive his brother when he sinned against him, Jesus said seventy times seven. In other words, continually forgive your brother.
There is no defined limit. Just as God forgives us when we sin against Him and seek His forgiveness, we too should continually forgive. Also, in Matthew chapter 6 verse 14-15, Jesus tells us that if we forgive men when they sin against us, our heavenly Father will also forgive us of our sins. But if we do not forgive, our Father will not forgive our sins.
Forgiveness shouldn't be selective. We may find it more difficult to forgive those that are close to us than those we hardly know or vice versa. Or we may even choose to forgive some wrongs and not others. However, did Jesus die on the cross for the forgiveness of sins of a select few or was it for everyone?
Getting even will lead you nowhere
1 Thessalonians 5 verse 15 tells us to ensure we do not pay anyone wrong for wrong but we are always to try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. We need to respond in a way that will show love and not aim to retaliate. As hard as it may be, I have come to learn that we also need to pray for those that have done us wrong. God asks us to bless those who curse us and pray for those who mistreat us (Luke chapter 6 verse 28).
Forgiving doesn't mean we excuse, forget or deny the hurtful behaviour. We need to be wise about the decisions we make. We acknowledge the wrong but also try as much as possible to let go and not allow anger and resentment to control our lives. Fervent prayer can help us overcome this. We need to get rid of all bitterness lest it causes us to sin. Why give the devil a foothold? Prayer is a powerful weapon and the Holy Spirit is here to help us.
Choose to forgive
Being unforgiving is not anything to be proud of. I'm reminded of the unconditional love that God has for us. Through the death of His only son, God mended our broken relationship by choosing to forgive us of our sins. We serve a God that is full of grace, love, mercy and compassion. If God is able to forgive me each time I make a mistake and repent, shouldn't I do the same for others?
It may not be easy to forgive. It takes the strength given to us by God to truly be able to forgive. But as I reflect upon the cross and think how merciful God is, I pray that the Lord can teach me to continually forgive others as He has forgiven me.
Kandima Awendila was born in Mozambique and lives and works as an IT Service Desk Engineer on the Gold Coast.
Kandima Awendila's archive of articles may be viewed at www.pressserviceinternational.org/kandima-awendila.html