I concluded yesterday that I had to start believing the truth and reprogramming my brain (You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free), this takes time. God doesn't always do quick fixes because sometimes we have to play a part in helping ourselves. My story continues:
Eventually, after months, I told God that I didn't care anymore, I would never preach again. This relieved part of my fear, but the choice meant I was in willful disobedience or unrepentant in my standing before God, and therefore, I believed, condemned.
Nonetheless, I said "NO" to God. Still under a performance mindset, I declared to God "I will be a man and face the consequences", I said that I would be willing to accept them even if that meant being consigned to hell - I would never street preach again. Then somehow I managed to commit to this position intransigently.
Since I couldn't reject my Christian worldview and belief in God and hell, I accepted my fate. How can one reject their beliefs, simply because they are inconvenient or undesirable?
Clearly my understanding of theology had to be amended.
Better theology
After a period of time I realised that even in my disobedience I still felt God's presence, and His love, envelop me powerfully, tangibly and frequently. I was baffled and surprised, "Why do you accept me? I am rebellious and disobedient".
Then I eventually reasoned that since The Holy Spirit still clearly loves me and abides with me, I must be saved. I remembered that the Holy Spirit is the guarantee and seal of our salvation. To me feeling Him became evidence that I am His child, evidence that even my disobedience would not separate me from His love.
In time I neutralised the objects of my fear, I didn't have to street preach anymore, and I wasn't condemned for my decision. God still loves me. I don't have to earn His love or salvation through obedience or good works. Not to give license for disobeying God, but obedience was never a condition for my salvation - genuine salvation spurs obedience and good fruit nonetheless.
Every time I read the bible I felt condemned, because I invariably came across some verse that would reprimand me for being disobedient and mandate evangelism, which to me signalled street preaching. One day I asked God to speak to me.
I saw a convicting verse about serving God, And Immediately afterward I read this: "This is the work of God, the work of God is to believe in the one whom He has sent." This scripture confirmed the truth in my heart: The only condition for salvation was to believe in Jesus. I must therefore interpret scripture through the lens of grace.
Issues of the law, were no longer salvation issues. Only belief in Jesus was the salvation issue. Real salvation would produce real fruit, not vice versa. This is because people who are genuinely saved have been given new hearts, they can no longer continue in sin because they have the "life of God" in them. You can't acquire the "life of God" by doing good works, it is a gift. Though when you have the "life of God" you 'obviously' strive to please Him. He is faithful even when we are not.
Technically I did end up obeying God, but the most revealing thing about my soul shaping ordeal was how deeply committed to God I was, nothing could shake my belief in His existence nor the truth of Christianity, not even severe trauma and anxiety.
My belief was undeniable: even if I had to face eternal damnation, I couldn't wish it away. Though admittedly this says more about my commitment to my beliefs, than their veracity. I now feel secure in God's deep love, even for those who are unfaithful.
He is faithful. His Grace is wonderful and of all people I truly don't deserve it, how could a willfully disobedient person, though capitulating once, merit His Grace? That is the point.
A prayer
This is a prayer for my mum who suffers with anxiety, and likewise for others:
"Lord god teach my mum to discriminate between lies and the truth, to only accept the truth in her heart, and discard the lies. Let her conform her mind to the word of God. As the lies of the enemy fly at her, they would not sink in, the arrows would fall off, because she is covered in your word, your word is truth Jesus. Your truth is established in her heart, so the lies of the enemy have no hold over her, no influence on her emotions. She would know the truth, rest in it, and be delivered from the lie.
Your peace would be a blanket over her.
Your hand will calm her heart. Lord that she would entrust herself to you, because You hold her in your hands, and no one can snatch her away from you. In her turmoil-she would know that you are present, that you will give her reprieve when things become too hard to bear. That you are the solid rock to stand on, the girder of her soul. You can be found in suffering, let her rest in you, relinquish her dependence in her own strength, and allow you to hold her up, with your grace to strengthen her.
Amos Sale grew up in Auckland and recently moved to Wellington to assist his girlfriend with her youth ministry. Amos enjoys learning about history, politics, philosophy and biology and he likes sci-fi and action movies. Amos has a passion to defend the Christian worldview and value system against its enemies and detractors by any means he can, and to encourage others to seek out an experiential encounter with God.