A few weeks ago I came to the realisation that lately I’d been walking on train tracks with the Lord. Parallel. There, constant, moving forward but never touching. Close enough to see but not close enough to give direct access to my heart. I was holding him at arms width with the deepest reserves of my heart, ‘playing it safe’.
But I had deep deep reserves - questions, doubts, confusion. I wanted to ask him, to let him in so he could answer them but I didn’t. Because ‘God is good’, right? And if ‘God is good’, then I should just trust him and not question, right?
My goodness how blind was I to not see the deeper need of my heart - the deeper need I had for him to know me intimately even amidst the doubt & confusion.
Just one example of this I’ve written below:
Many close friends of mine have been sitting on the fence for years. Getting smashed on a Saturday, yet doing the religious church thing on a Sunday (I’m just being real here, I love my friends incredibly but we have to die to our flesh in order to live in the spirit, but that’s another whole blog post in itself). And there seemed to be this similar pattern in their lives - they all didn’t feel intimately close with the Lord.
Time and time again they have ‘tried’ to seek the Lord & live out this thing called Christianity, but there’s no heart connection, nothing in their heart that desires for them to want to live for the Lord.
I often find this difficult to relate to because
- A) I don’t believe God would ever withhold himself from someone, especially someone who is earnestly seeking him
- B) I don’t know how one could spend such time with love himself and not be utterly transformed
But through it all my mind was a mess. Because honestly to me, it seemed like the loving God I knew, actually didn’t love my friends. I was so torn. Frustrated, confused, bitter. But more than that I feared asking the Lord if it were true.
I would come so close to asking God the deepest cry of my heart, to letting him in and sneaky Satan would come in and say things like, ‘You can’t say that to the Lord, Shannon’. ‘You have to trust Shannon, how dare you question him like that’, ‘Shannon what kind of believer are you if this is challenging you so much?’
I couldn’t see it then, but I do now - all of this was keeping my heart captive, not giving my Father access to all the places that hurt. Truth was the father LONGED to meet me there, he LONGS to be intimate, to KNOW all my scary dark thoughts because he loves me. Because he wants to remove the fear in me that is keeping me from knowing him deeper.
Slowly but surely, weak from carrying my heart at a distance, I heard the whisper of my Father.
‘Let me in, my darling. Withhold nothing from me. Let me in, I want access to your whole heart. Be real, my darling. Withhold nothing.’
Truth is my God CARES. But I was still battling. This fear gripped me so tight, ‘I can’t question, I’ve got to trust.’
Crying out the Lord
Until one day I’d had enough. I was at my absolute wits end. Fed up with my friends making foolish decisions and fed up with myself – induced frustration & fear I cried out -I dared to ask.
‘Do you actually not desire them to know you Lord?’
‘Would you actually withhold your heart from them?’
‘More than that, do you actually love them?’
There. Said it. My hands were open, my heart had nothing left to question, I’d given it all to him (more so thrown it at him like a toddler having a hissy fit) but now he knew. Tears of frustration turned into tears of mercy. There I was, surrendered. Truly seeking.
And the Lord whispered, ‘You have no idea how much’.
And finally we touched. I got off the train track and gave him my heart. And he filled it. Filled it with love for my friends, filled it with understanding, filled it with truth, filled it with forgiveness. He’s given me new eyes for my friends; eyes not of frustration and anger, but of love. Today, instead of withholding, I intercede in prayer for my friends, that one day they would come to know him deeply.
The Lord heard my cry
He never condemned me for asking.
He never made me feel like I was less of a believer.
He conquered my deep fear that for some reason he wasn’t who he said he was -love.
And now, I withhold nothing. Every day I’m coming to him, its intimate, its broken and its beautiful. I’m asking him for things, and I am believing. I am trusting. I am free.
Thankyou Lord.
Psalm chapter 77, verses 1-14 says:
“I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted. I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked: “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favour again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.”
Shannon Munyard is a Press Service International young writer from Adelaide
Shannon Munyard is home to the Adelaide Hills where she works as a horse riding instructor and equine assisted learning facilitator at a non-for profit youth campsite. Shannon is passionate about authenticity, and seeing people connected to their hearts. She loves the outdoors, bush camping, pondering deep questions and Jesus.