It takes a lot of courage to buy groceries at the moment. I feel like a horrible person if I even spend a dollar for a cup of coffee because I'm digging into my small savings just to pay the bills.
When I was younger I used to find this kind of living on the edge like some grand adventure. Lately that adventure feeling has worn down to the bare bones of my existence and I can see my face age in the mirror.
There's so much to do and so much more I want to do.
My time is divided between the passions of my heart and none of them bring in the finances I so desperately need.
A thousand cattle
"You have a father who owns the cattle on a thousand hills." I tell myself. "He knows your need. Look at how he's clothed the flowers, how much more is he going to take care of you. Relax. Everything will be ok."
What if it's not?
"He won't give you more than you can handle."
He already has.
"Just . . . hold on."
I sigh. It's the only thing I can do besides driving myself forward through the haze of uncertainty. My life seems to hang in the balance as I try to walk on water. Gravity defies my efforts time and again, but still I struggle on. Pushing. Fighting for some small shred of sanity.
What if I don't find even that shred?
This is what faith looks like. Holding on to something you can't see or feel.
Choosing to trust, even in the blackest of nights that a light will come. The glorious dawn will shine and the path will be made clear.
A thousand unknowns
I read another blogger who said this, "Ready is for people who trust in themselves, who want to live small & safe lives. Freedom is for people who trust in the One who made them, who want to live lives too big to be ready for."
Sounds majestic and awesome.
Until you're in it.
But you know what. It's also a lot more freeing because it takes ME out of the equation. All that's required of me is that I keep taking one step forward at a time.
I'll do the possible.
He'll do the impossible.
Yes, I may miss a few movies at the cinemas, I may have to decline a few nights out with friends, but instead of piling it all on top of each other, I only need to keep my focus straight.
One step at a time.
There was a kids show my mom used to put on for me when I was a kid. The main character was a giant blue Bible named Psalty and in it he was encouraging this group of kids to climb a mountain. They were weary and wanted to give up, but he told them to just take one step at a time.
He even had a song about it.
We get so caught up in all the steps ahead that we stumble on the ones right in front of us.
Take one step at a time and trust God with the rest.
Embrace the difficulties.
And keep your eyes fixed on Him.
Charis Joy Jackson is working as a full-time missionary with Youth With A Mission (YWAM) a non-profit organisation in Queensland. During the day she makes movies and in her spare time is writing a novel. www.charisjoyjackson.com
Charis Joy Jackson's previous articles may be viewed at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/charis-jackson.html