Upon hearing the news, I couldn't quite understand. There must be some mistake – Me? First? I hadn't won anything since I can't remember when, let alone coming first on a national level. "Are you serious? Ok, wow..." were all the things I could remember saying. I couldn't quite register that I had won.
Stretched to the limit
The last few months of my life have been hectic and I have felt almost overwhelmed at times. But I knew I just had to keep going; putting one foot in front of the other I had to keep making the right decisions each day despite how I felt—no matter what.
Many things in life had been all happening at once—a new job with young people that required outreach and programs, new full-time study, and through my relationship, personal heart issues had been brought up that have caused mutual pain and vulnerability. My past life events and my own personal choices had caught up to me and had caused much hurt to the one nearest and dearest to me. These events have since caused me to be open, vulnerable and accountable on a level I have never experienced before.
It felt like everything and everyone was requiring something from me, and being an introvert, I wanted everything and everyone to just leave me alone! I was in a pressure cooker and wanted to isolate myself, but everything in my life was requiring the exact opposite of this. I was being pushed to my limits... again!
It was here at the tail end (I hope) of this 'pressure cooker period', that I realised I had won the Australian Basil Sellers Young Writer Award for 2016. Surprised was an understatement—I was bewildered.
A gentle whisper
God was saying to me, "I see you, I see your heart and I'm rewarding your efforts", but a reward was the last thing I felt I deserved, for the amount of self-examination I was going through at the time caused me to feel anything other than due for a reward—or a blessing. But strangely, that's what came my way.
If I go back a few years, I remember studying for my diploma of youth work. The push and struggle and late nights were hard, but I got there and finished my diploma.
I was just hoping to scrape through by the skin of my teeth—"I'll be happy with a pass" I remember saying to myself. But I got my results back and they surprised me; not only had I passed, but I had passed with flying colours! Out of my total of six units, I received five high distinctions and one distinction! I was surprised and elated.
I remember a friend telling me a few months ago, "God is proud of you, you're his son, he wants to show you off, he believes in you!" But feeling proud of myself was the furthest thought from my mind, although I remembered what he had said.
For so many of us, we find it easy to see how God would bless someone else; we see our own inadequacies, our mess, and our glaring sins. When others are seen to be 'blessed', we can see and understand and accept that pretty simply – after all, "They've definitely got it more together than I do!" Or in other self-talk, we hear ourselves say,"they are no-where near as messed up as me! It's easy to see why—they're super faithful to God, more obedient, they hear God so much clearer than I do etc.—I mean what's not to understand, I'm lost most of the time!"
The art of accepting God's grace
I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way sometimes. But this isn't grace, and this is what has been hard for my feeble 'performance-based' heart to avoid. To know grace intellectually or theologically is one thing, but a heart-knowledge is something else entirely.
When something happens to you—just for you—merely because God wants to bless you, or to reward you, or to show you off for his glory... only then do we really know if we can plainly accept grace.
Do we really know how to let God's blessing or joy just warm us? Or do we ignore it when it happens? Maybe we stuff it into a box and deal with it later because it makes us feel uncomfortable? How do we enjoy something if it doesn't fit into our theological understanding of God?
For me, I had a hard time just accepting it as mine, as a reward; as a blessing just for me. I had to keep repeating, you won Tim, you won! Like my study results, I didn't quite get it, but maybe God is trying to tell me again that he is proud of me, that he believes in me, and maybe I should, in turn (*gulp*), believe in myself too.
I told my family and friends about my award, and they were chuffed; as was I. But one person I really wanted to share it with was my dad. After all, who doesn't want their father to be proud of them?
A personal challenge
Dad and I have had a strained relationship over the years; causing much pain in my life. I have little contact with him over these last few years—not through a hard heart or lack of want on my part. This time around I had not seen or heard from him in over a year. I really wanted to somehow share this news with him, but just couldn't risk reaching out again.
When I returned from Sydney I was out shopping for odds and ends—with my prize money! I first went to Cheap as Chips to get some crafty items (as all good hobby nerds like to do) and I was kneeling down looking at something on a shelf, when an old lady walked by (she didn't even make eye contact) but said to me, "I hope you have a lovely day, dear". It's always nice to hear such a thing from a little old lady, but today it felt even nicer.
My next stop was Bunnings (my other favourite place to grab nerdy craft items). So after scouting out some balsa wood and adhesive spray, I turned the corner and out of all the people in the world who did I bump into? ... Yep you guessed it, my Dad!
To be continued...
Tim Everton is a youth worker and designer from the beautiful Southern Coast of South Australia. In his off-time he pursues graphic design, photography, the beach (and its various forms of enjoyment) and seeking out his next best cafe latte.
Tim Everton's previous articles may be viewed at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/tim-everton.html