The older I get, the more difficult it is for me to ask for forgiveness or simply apologize. I have noticed that I take pride in the decisions I am making and as long as my stand is “right”, I am in the position to fight - even if it hurts someone.
That’s harsh. I know, that as we age, we make lots of discoveries that bring us wonder. We stitch good and bad experiences that form life lessons. First, we know, next, we understand, then, we fight for what we believe is right.
Nothing is wrong in this concept. In fact, it is a harmless formula. But what makes it a poison to relationships is when we are being so blinded by the belief that we start to fight and forget other people’s feelings.
What happened
Just recently, I had confronted my grandfather about a very little concern. It is no big deal by the way. I thought it is the best thing to do. It’s first hour in the morning.
Imagine, the atmosphere was very light. My grandmother was humming while cooking egg for breakfast. Grandpa was reading a book, his morning routine as usual. I was in a hurry. Or no, my emotions were. My pressure rising; I can feel the tension in my knees.
I felt something inside of me saying I shouldn’t, but I pursued anyway. I went to grandmother first. She was clueless and pointed where grandpa is. I reached out to him. With my pressure on the hike, grandpa was shocked and raised his voice as well.
Now, in the moment, I don’t know what I am doing. I repeated my lines over again. My baseless claims are lead me to an undeniably pointless argument. I lost the chance to speak up about my concern. Worse, I hurt my grandfather.
What to do next?
I went to the bakeshop where I work. I cried so hard. I have never felt this guilty before. Right there, I knew I was a hundred percent wrong. “Why is asking for forgiveness too hard?” This was the question I posed myself.
I had no answer on hand. The best possible solution I could think of was to pray. I prayed but most of the entire time I sobbed. I begged God to teach me what to do. Still clueless, I talked to my Christian friends.
Some listened. It helped! It made me release my hurts and a portion of my frustrations. But what hit me hard is this: “No matter how correct you are, the best thing to do is apologize.”
What now?
I prayed for courage. I asked God to help me say the right words and say it the right way.
EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
Saying sorry isn’t a “basic” thing to do. But now, it became crystal clear to me that whether I am correct or am making sense, I will apologize.
I got scared. A long list of what ifs started rolling in my mind. What if I hurt him that bad that he’s gonna send me away? What if he will not listen? What if he’s not home yet?
I shooed these bad thoughts away as I repeated the verse saying “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24
Is it difficult? Yes. But is it right to go and apologize? Yes. Should I go then and ask for forgiveness? Definitely, yes.
What else?
After praying for myself,I prayed for my grandfather. I asked God to give him clarity and open his heart in forgiving me.
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32
He is actually not a bad grandpa. He is one of the kindest, most patient, and loving people I know. I am sure he will, but I am not so sure about the depth of the pain I have caused him.
He is too pure to be hurt by a grandchild he once raised. So, I leave it all to God.
What comes after?
I went home. He was right at the door. He spoke to me first, and I immediately said sorry. He gently wraps his arms around me. He hugged his granddaughter too tight. We both started explaining, and there comes smiles and laughter.
I have learned that asking for forgiveness is hard when pride is kicking in. I noticed that I started releasing my frustrations and personal pains and gather solutions to win the relationship with my grandfather, pride shrunk.
The moment I prayed, God is intervening, and pride is losing. The process was painful, but the gain was worthwhile.
So dear readers, when asking for forgiveness is hard, try this formula: RELEASE, PRAY, and GO.
Precious Angelique Constantino is a young blogger and YouTuber for Christ. She is in charge of the kids’ ministry and youth group in their church. She is a Sunday School teacher and is very passionate for Christ.