'Please clean your room', 'Please pick up your toys,' 'It's bed time'... sometimes it doesn't take much to start an argument. However, I've started a new approach as I parent my children and it does not involve arguing.
I have not taken to the new method of becoming a 'yes' parent who never says 'no' to their children, rather I'm in the process of transitioning my parenting style to match the Word of God, and this includes not arguing with my children.
Why we shouldn't argue with our children
Having missed the obvious for the past six and a bit years of my parenting, the Bible discusses the topic of children honouring their parents numerous times. Actually, it is mentioned in three books of the Torah (the first five books of the Bible), in three of the four gospels, listed number five on the list of Ten Commandments, and placed throughout other Old and New Testament books.
'Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you.' (Exodus chapter 20, verse 12)
Additionally, children are instructed to 'obey their parents' in Colossians chapter 3, verse 20 and Ephesians chapter 6, verse 1.
That's it, my children are commanded to obey and honour me. There is no clause mentioned about choosing when to obey or when to honour, but just to do it.
With further definition of some key words, it becomes obvious how my children are to respond to me and how I must raise them.
Glossary of Terms: honour, obey and argue
Dictionary.com defines 'honour' as: 'to hold in honor or high respect'. In context, my children are to hold me in high respect and to revere my decisions.
The word 'obey' on Dictionary.com means: 'to comply with or follow the commands, restrictions, wishes, or instructions of.' Therefore my children are to follow through with my instructions, completing the tasks I require of them.
To clarify my meaning of the word 'argue', I define it, within the context of this article, as my children verbally expressing their disapproval through the use of angry or hostile words and behaviour.
However, to be clear, while I take a stance against yelling, I do accept and welcome a respectful discussion. Coming to an agreement over bed time or how much longer they can play a game for is reasonable, but only within the context of a loving and honourable conversation.
Using these definitions, the words 'honour' and 'argue' are opposite, one not able to be accomplished if the other is true e.g. if my child honours me, they will not argue. If they do argue they cannot be honouring.
This may seem blunt, and admittedly contradicts the current social mentality of freedoms and rights, but a parent also has obligations to fulfill and these should lead to a loving and mutually respectful relationship with their child.
Demanding obedience without applying these other Biblical principles will likely lead a child to resentment, rebellion and a rejection of faith.
Principles for a loving relationship with our children
Following the verses in both Ephesians and Colossians mentioned earlier, for children to obey their parents, a responsibility is requested of fathers to be cautious in their discipline 'fathers, do not provoke your children.'
The idea of 'provoking' to anger suggests a repeated and ongoing pattern of behaviour building in a child, leading to a deep-rooted anger and resentment. This could include: verbal or physical abuse, obvious favouritism of others, an over-bearing and protective nature and a lack of love and encouragement. (www.gtycanada.org)
Parents must live what they preach and accept the whole Bible as the Word of God, not just select passages that fit a comfortable lifestyle. It's easy to qualify actions with a Bible verse taken out of context, however, full obedience is what we are called to and when we mess up we must cling to the forgiveness God the Father extended to us, through His Son, Jesus Christ.
We must also live in humility before our children, so when we make mistakes we are able to accept blame and acknowledge our sins. Openness and transparency which goes two-ways will create a much more loving relationship than a self-righteous hypocrite-dictating behaviour.
Focus on the heart and God, not exterior behaviour. Sometimes (actually, most of the time), yelling is a quick fix to a behaviour problem that produces a surface level response, but does not address the heart issue of the problem.
The heart issue of any sin is the real motivation for the behaviour and not the sin itself e.g. if someone looks at pornography the issue isn't looking at pornography, but the lack of love creating a desire in a person to pursue this sin.
Discipline points to the cross
For this reason, disciplining a child is hard work and requires time and effort. It means expressing love at the time of administering punishment; and responding to the sin with patience and calmness, not in anger. Discipline means initiating a discussion seeking to dig into the heart problem. All this should be intended to point the child to Christ and the cross, because only through Him can we achieve forgiveness and transformation.
Parenting isn't easy and I am not a perfect parent (or husband), but I strive to live my life according to the Word of God. Spending time to train my children and require honour and obedience will be a challenge, but ultimately, I trust these lessons will point my kids to the Lord, because we are required to honour and obey Him or face eternal consequences.
Tim Wilsonis an Australian currently living in Canada with his wife (also a comment writer) and their three children. He is passionate about the Church living according to the Word of God and authors a blog to inspire and challenge men and women of faith. www.abrokenmanblog.com
Tim Wilson's previous articles may be viewed at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/tim-wilson.html