Where to start on this topic? I wrote at the end of 2017, with an emotional bookend to a year that has been an upheaval to put it mildly. I started off the year in a job with an intention to be promoted, only for that dream to go south. After much denial I then obeyed God, quit my job and had some time resting but also anxiously awaiting God’s next move. I then went to a contract, to replenish my finances before taking a leap of faith and moving to France for a finance role.
I set the scene to give context to my thoughts on confidence. I have endured this year, rather than enjoyed it; for the most part I have felt like I have been learning a lot about myself, without properly addressing and working on foundational truths and issues. I feel like I have been building the walls, rather than the foundation of my soul.
I found myself thinking about my confidence levels and how they had been battered and broken through the year. I had not really taken a step back and wondered why my soul did not seem that strong; or why at the first breath of a storm it caved in so quickly. I realized that confidence and self-awareness is key to being able to navigate change successfully and grow personally when things occur in your life. I felt like in this area, 2017 had been a year of minimal, if any growth.
Challenges
When we look at other people and see them as confident what is the usual response? I have been challenged by my housemate; he is a strapping 24 year-old blonde guy who plays tennis, rows and works out. He is what I would call “unruffled” and your typical relaxed young male.
I am slightly in awe and jealous of his self-confidence; he just seems to know or feel like he can “do it” whatever “it “happens to be. As an example, he had never ski-ed before and was, after the first session basically saying that he will be on black runs by the end of the week. I laughed with him and sought to encourage his confidence in himself; but secretly my heart was also staring at my soul saying ‘Can I get some of that?’
I have been ski-ing a few times now and struggled with my balance my whole life. I have been progressing slowly over the last few years but never felt at liberty to say that I would be going down black runs …. What is that about?
Deep and personal
Lets go deep here and personal ( I rarely write well unless I do ) I am finding it difficult to process and navigate the lack of attention I am receiving currently from the opposite sex. God may be “keeping me” for someone and that is great – but in the mean-time it hurts when you feel invisible! It is like guys see you but not actually; like you are there but not really.
The perverse thing is that it makes you weakened so that when someone does compliment you, you take it one of two possible ways; you either freak out or you end up thanking them and letting that feed your soul; in an unhealthy way.
I know that we can accept compliments gratefully and without any sense of need, but at the same time I feel like these small words or looks from the opposite sex when they do occur, feed me more than they should. They line my stomach and soul more than they should and I allow or credit them with too much; they dictate how I feel at times and I feel like it should not be this way.
The resulting see-saw in my confidence and the fact that it is dependent on things that are varied and will come and go has meant that I have had to take a look at myself and go – enough. I want 2018 to be a different year for me. I am making a commitment to myself; to feed myself on God and what he thinks of me; to allow his love to sink deep and fill the floor of my house.
Like cement being poured onto ground I am hoping that if I allow this Godmix permission it will settle and grow strong in me. I know that I can build my walls from a place of strength. God has shown me the importance of self-care and self-love which I really struggle with. I am berating myself for not loving myself as I love others; I am hoping that in 2018 this will change.
Confidence is a journey isn’t it? It feels like some people have it, some people are growing in it, some have too much of it! But the hope for me is that the more I fill myself up with God’s opinion and love for me which is unchanging, the less I will rely on other peoples’. What do you want to change in 2018?
Rosie Robinson is an English writer for Press Service International.