I recently wrote an article talking about my past. If you missed it, here’s a small excerpt:
“Why tackle the impossible? And why go through memories that are much easier kept as just thoughts? Leave them to the dungeon so that I can fall asleep. A new morning brings new contemplations, which are usually much more manageable and easier to process.”
Recently, I’ve been learning that deep conversations are very difficult. Before the last year of my life, I knew this to be true, but not to the extent I know it now. I was usually in the mood for a deep conversation, to dive into the recesses of the other persons mind. Anything with coffee and talking about relationships, God, Scripture, life challenges and more were an adventure for me.
I enjoyed the difficult and exploratory conversations because anything past talking about the weather tingled my need for the “more” I was looking for. It allowed me to dialogue about things in my life that I was struggling with or wrestling through.
After a profound conversation, I felt that I was much more connected to that particular individual. My friendship with them had gone to a new level and we were able to share in one another’s lives in a different way. It gave space for comfort and advice to be given. For questions to be heard and life to be shared. In short, I wanted (and needed) these discussions.
When it changed
Currently I am in a different place. I enjoy small talk because it keeps my deep thoughts trapped in the lockbox of my mind. Anything that probes beyond the surface can easily bring me back to that box.
What I once found as intriguing, I feel intimidating. Not because of what the other person is sharing, but because of what I could share. The difference is life experience. When bad things happen, it’s really difficult to talk about them and sometimes it can feel as everything else is connected to them. Therefore, a topic completely different than the “said experience”, could still negatively impact me.
Survival Instinct
Last article I introduced the idea of “running or surviving”. With the idea that we can classify people as running from their past instead of confronting it. What I have come to realise is that people may not be running from their past, but instead, are trying to survive their past.
Survival is a natural human instinct. Usually survival is thought of in extreme circumstances, not as much in a day to day setting. But the fact is: we are made to survive. And when this instinct is broken down, it can affect our days and our hours. It may not be obvious and in this context it could stay hidden for a very long time.
Thriving or Surviving
I used to work a 9am-5pm day job in the city. I would sit behind a computer in my small cubicle on the second floor of a sixteen-story office building. When I felt the need for sunshine and Vitamin D I would take a walk to get some coffee or grab lunch.
Every Thursday, right outside the local mall, there would be a huge line of food trucks. Every type of food you can imagine would be waiting to be partaken of. My favourite was this donut truck that served small donut holes covered in cinnamon sugar. They would make the donuts right in front of each customer so that they were melt in your mouth hot. I would then go to Starbucks, get a coffee and come back to my desk excited to eat.
This was my “surviving”. Small moments in my day that would get me by. After three years of that desk job, I found something else that allowed me to thrive, not just survive. The biggest and most important thing was God. Once I found the real and authentic Jesus and Holy Spirit, it changed my life.
I’m a wrestling Christian, trying to align my challenging life experiences with my faith. Trying to figure out how to get back to thriving, not just surviving.
My challenge to myself and the reader: If God can allow us to thrive, will we allow him into our past and into our conversations?
Jason LaLone was on staff at YWAM Brisbane and is currently in America working with Truro Anglican Church located in Fairfax, Virginia. He is passionate about discipleship, taking Jesus’ command to make disciples a practical reality that he can live on a daily basis. He loves lasagna, cats and used to dislike Monday's, making him most like Garfield.
Jason LaLone’s previous articles might be viewed at: http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/Jason-LaLone.html