I once had a head full of colourful imaginings of the future and a heart that always dreamed. I was brimming with ambition and passion, determined to change the world.
I don’t quite feel like that girl anymore. Sometimes I miss her, or feel guilty that I’m no longer like her. The last thing I want to be is lazy; not living up to my potential scares me deeply.
But the truth is, I’m in a better place than I ever was. It is not that I have lost all ambition, drive and vision. It is that I have come to a place of surrender.
The beauty of surrender
The word surrender usually has negative connotations to it. We might associate it with surrendering to an enemy or being defeated by a stronger power.
Surrendering to God is not like this, because God is good. Surrendering to a God who absolutely has our best interests at heart, who holds the future in his hands and who created us and has a plan and a purpose for us, simply allows us to relax and let him lead and guide us to beautiful destinations.
I used to hold onto the dreams of my heart tightly and proudly. I often let them define who I was and used them as a source of feeling worthy and valuable. While I knew they were dreams given to me by God, I carried them as if I was solely responsible for protecting them and making them happen.
This only led to deep frustration, impatience and disappointment when I realised things weren’t happening in the timeline I thought was appropriate.
As God has led me deeper into trusting his heart and intentions towards me, slowly I have learnt to give him back my dreams. I have felt such relief in this, realising it’s not up to me to make things happen. It is only God who knows the perfect timeline for my story to unfold, and who holds the power to open doors that need opening.
As I hand God my dreams, he hands me peace and an assurance that nothing can hinder the plans he has for me.
The reward of surrender
In order to receive something, we need to be empty handed. I have realised holding tightly to my dreams, all of which involve a time in the future I have no control over anyway, make it hard to receive the gifts which are only available to me here and now.
Only in surrender, in handing my dreams to God, in empty handedness, am I in a position to receive anything.
So often we miss valuable things only available to us in the season we are walking through, because we are so fixed on things we are wishing and waiting for in the future.
In ‘giving up’ my dreams, I have been able to grab onto valuable gifts. I have been able to recognise the purpose of the season I’m in, even though it seems completely off target in the walk towards my dreams.
I have had time and headspace to open my heart to new dreams; passions of my heart I could never recognise when I was so focused on reaching certain goals.
I no longer feel under such pressure to ‘reach my destination’. In fact, I am realising more than ever that no destination will ever satisfy me. The only destination worth pursuing with everything, is God.
Following God instead of following my dreams makes for the greatest adventure. He is the one who leads us into the dreams we knew we had and the ones beyond our own limited imagination.
He is all the reward we could ever want or need. The ultimate reward, the ultimate destination.
The challenge of surrender
I don’t wish to talk as if I have arrived, because I haven’t. Some days I get to experience the peace and joy of fully letting my heart trust God with my dreams, letting go of all my striving and worrying. Other days I’m overwhelmed with anxiety again, or the sadness of unfulfilled dreams and heart desires.
Surrender is not a one off event, it’s a daily, sometimes minute by minute, intentional way of living. And it happens in the context of our growing, living relationship with God.
A huge challenge for me manifests in the form of comparison. Comparing my life’s timeline and achievements to the expected norm in the society and culture I live in.
I battle insecurities even within my own family when I look at everybody successfully having families, buying and building houses and progressing in their careers. And here I am, about to turn 30, single as a pringle, no savings, no semblance of a career path, a big old uni debt, and no idea of what the future holds.
Comparison tempts me to grab back the steering wheel and strive to make things happen in my own strength. It threatens this beautiful surrender I’m learning to live in.
But as I turn my eyes back to Jesus, back to the path he is leading me on, the unique, crazy, hilarious, wild and nonsensical path, the peace begins to flood back into my heart.
He gives me the grace to surrender once more, and once more I am filled with hope for the future and satisfaction in the present. A beautiful place to live.
Bonnie loves all things old-fashioned, exploring new places, coffee with friends and being with her family. She is passionate about broken hearts and relationships being restored through the power of vulnerability and honesty with God and others. She is the founder and director of Jolly Good Events, a social enterprise reviving the days of town hall dances to bring the local community together and raise funds for poverty alleviation projects. Bonnie has a Bachelor of Humanitarian and Community Studies and a Master of International Public Health.
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