We’re too comfortable. That’s why we stagnate.
Tell me: When is the last time you looked someone you respected in the eye and just disagreed? And then let them disagree right back? And then talked about it?
When is the last time you felt the gut-wrenching discomfort of conflict, and simply sat with it, side by side with its trigger? Faced potential humiliation just to do something with the voice inside you that says no.
I think this is wrong.
I’m not talking about arguing. Escalating emotions, raising your voice, fighting someone with whom you have no relationship. I’m not talking about cutting people off when you can’t see eye-to-eye, or posting controversial things online so that one person might see.
I’m talking about the kind of confrontation you’re only brave enough to face if you care.
Do we care? Should we care?
I’m assuming you’re like me (I could be wrong) in that you’re a flawed and impressionable human and you live in a highly individualistic society. So, you probably have quite a few people you care about who do or say things you deeply disagree with, and you probably never say anything about it because who are you to interfere? To each their own. Agree to disagree, and all that.
How will we ever get any better than this if we’re too afraid to influence each other?
We can’t pretend we’re not being influenced. We’ve just been giving all the power to celebrities, politicians, whatever author we last read from. Clickbait, popular posts, high-traffic news. Whatever the pastor, the lecturer, or the loudest friend in the friend group says.
I’m not saying these aren’t valuable sources of information. I’m saying why aren’t we comparing notes? Why are we letting the trenches continue to deepen between our-side and those-others? Are we forgetting the person facing us has real thoughts and feelings and experiences like we do?
If they are totally wrong, then they deserve the opportunity to learn. If there is value to their thinking, you deserve the opportunity to find it. This can only happen if you’re willing to take that first faltering step – calling them out.
Called to truth
If you have nobody in your life that you think needs challenging, look a little harder.
If you’re like me, though, you have been in plenty of situations where you heard something that rubbed you the wrong way but you stayed quiet. It is usually because in the moment, it’s pretty harmless. You don’t want to kill the mood.
A racial innuendo, maybe. Some passing remark after church. You catch it and you turn it over in your head, thinking, woah. That didn’t feel right. They don’t really think like that, do they? Should I say something? No, it was just a joke.
In that moment it’s nothing, but you have to think: What space are we cultivating? Who are we othering? What in me didn’t like that, and what are we achieving by stifling that voice?
In my limited experience (I too am allergic to conflict), the best and most productive conversations happen when you pull someone aside and just be honest. If they’re someone who prioritises relationship they will be glad you spoke up. If they’re someone who prioritises truth, they’ll find your perspective worthwhile.
Called to unity
Do we want a church built on shallow assent or do we want one built on authentic relationships? On passivity or truth? Do we want a moral clubhouse or do we want what we were designed to be: A movement?
On which side are you building? What are you building with?
Authenticity means you have to be awkward and uncomfortable sometimes. You have to let yourself be wrong to learn, and you can’t if you aren’t being anything. It isn’t enough to try to grow in isolation. We need to be challenging each other as much as we support and encourage; holding each other accountable in everything.
If you’re part of the church, you’re part of something bigger than you. And that does include the things you can’t stand. Take ownership of that. Why keep your voice to yourself?
“As iron sharpens iron,
so one person sharpens another.”
(Proverbs chapter 27, verse 17)
Sometimes sparks will fly, and that’s scary. But when the heat is controlled, this is not a bad thing. It means something in both parties is being honed. Fear of that friction is what can only continue to breed dull and ineffective religion.
I fear conflict. I have a habit of avoiding conflict at all costs, especially with the people closest to me. But the kingdom of God is worth facing your fears for. So, I’m going to learn to speak up about the things that are important to me.
If you disagree, I’d rather know why.