“Oh Good Grief!” Is a quote often used in surprise or acclamation. “Oh good grief! Is that the time already?!”
But for those who have gone through grief, during the midst of it, it seems there can never be any ‘good’ to come from it. This colloquial phrase seems far removed from the weight of the words it conveys.
Everyone in life will go through a period of grief at some point. The loss of a loved one, the breakdown of a relationship, the loss of a pet, job, moving locations.
True grief grips you when you least expect it. Standing at the shops picking out serviettes, unstacking the dishwasher, sitting in traffic ready to pick up children from school. True grief can be all consuming and come out of left-field. You grieve because something you value is no longer in existence.
“Grief must be a reflection of love. It is perhaps the ultimate proof of love.” Jordan Peterson. We grieve because something we love or value is no longer there. To grieve the loss of something shows its value in our lives. Sitting in the place of grief and loss can be hard. There is an element of loss and a range of responses to that. Human nature does not like to sit in wrestles or struggles often. We like to have answers, complete things, see things through, and generally, like to feel good. Not the terrible wrestling and unsurety that often goes alongside grief.
In 1969 a Swiss-American Psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross after many years of working with terminally ill patients and their families, wrote a book called “On Death and Dying”. In it she outlined and described 5 stages of grief.
Since then her work has been added to, and simplified and many different models on grief now exist. Kübler-Ross’ early work in this area was pivotal in providing a framework on which to understand the grief cycle.
This article will focus on the 7-stages of grief, developed shortly after Kubler-Ross’ 5 stages.
Shock and denial: Denying that the facts present are true. This is a state of disbelief. “I can’t believe they’re gone.”
Pain and guilt: You may feel the loss is too unbearable to deal with, or that you become a burden on others in your pain and suffering. You may draw your own responsibility to the facts (of death, loss, separation) and feel guilt, whether the facts are true or not. “This pain feels too unbearable, and how can I expect others to help me when I feel like this?”
Anger and bargaining: This may be harsh words and emotions at God or bargaining with him. Creating contracts with him to ensure the loss is brought back. “God! How could you let something like this happen? What type of God are you?!” “I would do anything to have them back, I will serve you, I will be a missionary in a far off country. Anything just to have them back. “
Depression: This is typically felt as a period of isolation and loneliness as you feel you may be the only one going through these emotions and during which you process and reflect on the loss. “I don’t know how I will ever live without this person in my life who meant so much.”
The upward turn: During this stage you begin to work through the processes of grief. The initial anger, and loss may have died down and you are in a calmer state being able to reflect on your loss. This stage is about realizing you cannot change the facts, but you can change how you reflect on them.
Reconstruction and working through: Building on the upward turn, you may begin to start to see a way of building life after the loss and grief.
Acceptance and hope: The final stage of grief, acceptance and a hope of the new future to come.
Whilst these stages are laid out in an order, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. How these are expressed by individuals will differ, so too will the time taken to get through each stage.
Very often a person may go through the cycle multiple times, or move from one stage to another.
Whilst it feels there can never be any ‘Good’ that comes from grief in the midst of it, it is important to surround yourself with a Good support system. Understanding the different stages of grief, whilst won’t be able to take away the grief, can be helpful in understanding different stages of where you may find yourself when experiencing grief.
If you feel like you need extra support during a time of grief and loss you can always access: Lifeline or Beyond Blue.