I have walked with God for many years. The adventure has been wild. At times I have felt his presence closer than any friend. Other times I have traversed the lowest valleys of sorrow and felt my soul was shattering within me. I understand brokenness. I have had to look unfulfilled dreams in the eye. I have been stretched by God, beyond what I have felt my heart could bear.
My story is that I wanted to be a mother, and the unfortunate cards that my husband and I were dealt have caused this dream to be one that continues to cause pain. But as a result of my journey, there is a joy that I have found. My pain has been the catalyst for me to run to God. I have fostered an intimate connection with Adonai, my creator God. I know the sound of his voice, I know the peace that he can bring. I have found solace in Him, more than in the arms of any other person. No one else could understand anyway. Grief is so personal and people can only comfort so far.
Before I was married I trained as an early childhood teacher as nurturing young children is my forte and it is like I was made to be a mother. Over the years of choosing to love other people’s children as if they were my own and choosing to make a difference despite my pain, a perspective of life has grown within me. We need to learn to see beyond ourselves and see what we can offer others. I have learnt to see past myself and God is teaching me to serve and love others. In my case, parents and children have been my training ground. For many years I have worked as a nanny and helped love and nurture children and support parents in daily family life. Every day I have turned up at work I have been stretched to be a woman who goes beyond and gives as if it was my family and my dream.
We have opportunities to grow through pain. My prayer life is my most prized asset I have in life. It is through prayer and communing with the Lord that I am filled up with His love and given strength to love others.
Finding precious treasures
I have found many precious treasures in my dark seasons. The other day I was praying and I felt God show me a picture of myself. I could see an ocean and myself in a row boat. The scene was dark it was like there was no light and I was clearly unsure of where I was going in that boat. Then I saw a glimmer of gold as two golden objects came floating right next to my boat, illuminated by the moon. I scooped them up out of the water, into the boat with me.
I asked God what the picture meant and I felt the answer became clear. The gold objects represented the treasure that I am gaining in the darkest and hardest times of my life.
This was a fitting picture as in the last few months I had reached the point of a mini nervous breakdown. There had been too much hardship, sickness, trials and internal turmoil. My hair started to fall out and my sleep became sporadic. My inner pain and my lack of peace started to tumble out of my soul but I was relieved as I knew that it needed to come out into God’s light.
Questions came forth that I had to bring before God because I knew I needed to hear his truth and receive some healing. I had to wrestle with the questions of my soul. Does God really love me, despite the fact that I have suffered? Can I trust him, despite circumstances not changing?
Because I needed to hear His voice and I desperately needed his peace, I spent hours digging into God and His word, listening for his voice and learning to sit in silence. I used to hear God in a few settings; at the piano, during worship or when praying for someone. This was different though as over the last few months I started to hear God speak to me in his Rhema word (his spoken word for ‘now’) with wisdom, instruction, scriptures and encouragement. At first I could hear just a few lines. I wrote these down. Soon I could hear pages and pages. I found that the more that I practiced sitting in silence, the easier I could hear his voice and his heart - words for me. I was deeply strengthened in this time and received some healing. Now, despite the last few months being the toughest ever for me, I now see them as precious due to this new treasure in my boat.
Isaiah chapter 45, verse 3 says, ‘I will give you treasures of darkness, the hoarded treasures and the hidden riches of secret places, so that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name.’
I definitely acknowledge that life is not easy and often, we will end up with battle scars from life’s challenges. I know I have. But I also wear a crown; as I now know that I am loved. I have wrestled with His goodness and his love and I have heard God speak truths into my heart, which have brought peace and freedom. I am encouraged as I know My God cares deeply for me. His faithfulness is my crown and I will continue to find treasures in my dark places and seasons.
Liana Monaghan lives in coastal South Australia, married to her artist husband Justin. They live in a creative Christian community. Liana loves to sing, walk along the beach, pray and connect with women. Liana works as a nanny and is part of Tree of Life Church family.