The setting
As I sit on my balcony, with a snow-capped mountain to my left and the pearl-blue sky above I am thinking about the end of my time in France. To set the scene; the birds are tweeting and the trees are finally beginning to shed their wintry look and gain a bright, pewter green trimming to their branches.
The countryside out here is truly stunning; it is as though a gentle spring breeze is softly rocking your soul back and forth; like Aslan has walked through the valley and melted the hard winter snow and crushed the coldness into submission. What I love about this area is that I can feel the sun on my back and on my face and I can see the countryside change and glimmer and glow in the onset of summer.
It is amazing. In times like these, the tendency is to just enjoy this time and soak in the sun. But I guess I feel like this has been a transforming and growing time, too. For instance, take yesterday.
Set up; the situation
I was at work; as per normal for a Monday morning. The relative quiet of the last few days had afforded me the chance to clear a backlog of invoices that had been building up.
Like a walker near the finish line I was so close to getting this work completed, that although I was really tired I was also very happy and chilled out; I felt relaxed and in a good mood. Secretly, I felt quite smug as I had agreed to take on a bit of work which could have been shared out with our team.
I wanted to take on responsibility and to do it as a favour to my colleagues. God knows a man’s heart. I found myself getting to a place where I was feeling like I was doing everyone a MASSIVE favour that deserved some attention and a medal. Secretly I guess I wanted a “well done” or a mark of approval. And it was also the excuse I used for myself to shut up shop emotionally.
This plan was going well and I felt like I was “close to the finishing line” UNTIL I discovered that I had not been doing these invoices correctly. And my response was….Oh. After having a bit of meltdown I realized that God was revealing something to me. My feelings were a symptom of a root cause.
Why I felt the way I did.
With all office processes communication is key isn’t it? It is the foundation of all well-functioning businesses and the reason why so many relationships, professional and personal succeed or end in failure.
I had not been communicated with about a certain aspect of the process, BUT I do have a brain and can communicate and ask questions and get the answers I need. I felt angry that I had not been communicated with, but I also knew that God was prodding me to have higher standards for myself in how I communicate with others.
I wanted to pass the buck and blame someone for my failure. The fault was mine but I was refusing to admit it. I guess part of me felt angry that I had done the process wrong; but a deeper part of my soul was also crying because I felt like I had volunteered to do this piece of work and got grief rather than praise as my reward.
As I processed this, mainly with my head in my hands and tears on my cheeks I was astounded by the response of my colleague who bowled me over with his gentle, kind words to me. I was dumbfounded and realized that once again, I was creating a rod for my own back and being incredibly successful and hitting myself over the head with the aforementioned rod.
Process analysis; what am I experiencing?
If I were to answer the question of what I am experiencing now, with a good night’s rest and a relaxed morning off, it felt like God was saying; Accept responsibility and acknowledge that you made a mistake.
I find accepting that I make mistakes so hard, as I feel like that my identity is based on how many mistakes I have made; how much failure I have “done” in one day. But I guess with reflection, it is possible to see the other side. If God considers you chosen and worthy, that is an unalterable fact of life isn’t it?
The worthiness to be called and chosen does not change with your competence or efficiency on one day does it? Your worth to God is not an iphone battery; it does not start off the day full and then as you go about your day, reduce to nothing. It stays the same – you are always on full charge in Gods eyes. I am speaking to myself as I say this – this is not to preach at you, but to preach to my own heart!
Invoice total = evidence of something more
Acceptance of the need to grow professionally has never felt more real to me than it does right now. There are certain things I know I do well and God has been right by my side championing those aspects of me. But gosh, what work is still in store for me!
I feel hopeful that I will get promotion at some stage in my career and professional future - but I feel, perhaps for the first time content in my level. God in his wisdom wants me to work on myself and in my attitude. He wants to allow me to relax and accept that I can make mistakes and still be professional and still be worthy.
He wants me to relax at work and think of how to bless my colleagues. He wants me to laugh and feel free at work. As I sit, I am reminded of how God gave Adam and Eve work to do as a satisfying and fulfilling way of living on the earth. Toil came later.
In conclusion therefore….. What can I say? I am a work in progress. It is time to sharpen my pencil and let the next lesson begin.
Rosie Robinson is a Press Service International young writer from England