When a friend is going through something hard, I want to know about it; I want to be right there in the thick of it with them. When they invite me into these hard places, I count it an absolute privilege.
But sometimes, in my desire to help, in my eagerness to ease their pain, and in my inability to do so, I have felt myself inadvertently taking a step back.
“I will not fear”
It’s easy to feel paralysed when witnessing the deep pain someone is experiencing. Wanting to move in close but feeling completely ill-equipped to do so. Afraid I might say something wrong or make things worse. Acutely aware of my awkwardness.
As humans we generally want to run from any sign of pain, grief or trauma. Whether our own experience, or someone else’s, it makes us uncomfortable and often fearful.
But Jesus (I want to be like him!), never ran from people’s pain. He ran right into the middle of it. He leant in. He came in close. He wept with his friends as they grieved their friend Lazarus (even though it was his glorious plan to raise him back from the dead)!
He showed that grief is not something to be feared or avoided.
It is holy. It is a space where our self-sufficiency and ability to ‘soldier on’ beautifully crumble away and our divine need to be in close relationship is fully exposed.
So, despite my feelings of inadequacy, I am convinced that love must be our driving force as we run to those in pain. Listening to fear will stop us in our tracks. Love will draw us close.
“For you are close beside me”
I have realised that simply being present and continuing to pursue connection, rather than trying to fix or even say the right words, is what matters. In fact, it’s powerful.
To grieve with someone, letting your heart be broken with theirs, is perhaps the most beautiful and holy aspect of relationship. Even though we fumble awkwardly with our words and wonder if we’re making a difference at all, even though we feel the discomfort of not being able to ‘fix’ things, God’s heart has the opportunity to be known through us in these moments.
He promises to draw near to the broken-hearted, and invites us to be part of this process. He invites us to be his ears to listen, eyes to see, arms to embrace, mouth to speak comfort, hands and feet to serve.
The Psalmist wrote in Psalm Chapter 23 verse 4, “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.”
God’s plan does not always involve plucking people out of their pain; taking them from the valley to the mountaintop immediately.
His goodness is seen and known in how he walks with us through the darkest valley.
Our comfort and hope are that he promises to never leave us, not for a moment. Our Jesus who understands, who was called “a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief” (Isaiah Chapter 53 verse 3), walks beside us, full of unconditional love; the rock we can lean on, our tower of strength.
In being a friend like Jesus, our goal should simply be to draw near.
If we put pressure on ourselves to be the solution and lift people out of their pain, we’ll only feel powerless and inevitably take a step back. But when we make our goal connection, we become a ‘very present help in time of need’, a reflection and outworking of God’s heart towards that person.
“Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me”
The Psalmist ends the psalm by speaking of God’s unfailing love; a love that continuously pursues him.
“Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life…”(Psalm Chapter 23 verse 6).
He had seen time and time again how God not only walked with him through the valleys, but actively pursued him…over and over.
It’s so important to intentionally pursue intimacy in our relationships. Perhaps never more so than when those we love are walking through the ‘darkest valley’.
Being close beside someone is not a passive thing. It’s an intentional pursuit.
The darkest seasons of grief and pain are all-consuming, exhausting and overwhelming. To be a friend to someone in this space, we need to have a heart that loves fiercely, pursuing their heart continually, letting go of our own expectations.
Though our love is not perfect, and we will often fail, God is with us in the pursuit. In our weakness and inability, our clumsiness and eagerness to ‘fix’ things, his perfect love shines through anyway.
The truth is, all we need to be is a leaky old vessel, and his love will pour through us to his beloved sons and daughters, to the broken-hearted, to the grieving, to the ones he puts in front of us.
And to be that leaky vessel – oh, what an honour and blessing it truly is.
Bonnie loves travelling to experience and understand new cultures, beautiful things (especially flowers), coffee with friends and being with her family. She deeply values authenticity and is passionate about building meaningful community where people feel a sense of belonging and genuine love. Bonnie Dowie’s previous articles may be viewed at: http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/bonnie-dowie.html