Yet here we are, me sitting on a beautiful pier on a stunning day and I just don't know what it is I want to say.
My family has been a little frustrated I think with my lack of descriptive communication since I have been away. My excuse being that with the 14 hour time difference I am always in quite a sleepy state when I do attempt to link up but I have to admit that's not necessarily the whole truth.
I have come over to this new place on the other side of the world, leaving behind everything familiar and severing ties with my responsibilities. I had an idea that this would be an amazingly freeing experience but it feels more like I am in limbo. Being away from the roots you have planted for yourself, whether you have outgrown them or not, is difficult. I am blessed to have met some really great people but after only three weeks I definitely wouldn't say that I feel completely at home.
I think disconnection is a good word to use. I feel disconnected to what's happening back home, slightly disconnected to what's happening around me and even slightly disconnected from God as I try to navigate our relationship in this new place and new routine.
I hope I can discover where to find Him because I could use a familiar face or a sounding board as I try and learn the ropes of this position whilst being fully aware that very soon I will need to make some big decisions about where I'm going to go from here.
I've started to come around to the idea that maybe all that is being asked of me at this moment is just to be entirely present where I am. Focusing on doing my job, helping those I can and hoping that that is enough for the moment.
That is an idea I have always struggled with. Doing enough or being enough when there's always more that can be done and better ways to do it. Some people get very set in their ways and find it hard to comprehend that different does not always mean worse just as it does not necessarily mean better. That is something that has been illustrated to me here time and time again as the camp as a certain percentage of returning staff and full time staff who look on as the newbies try and muddle their way through the challenges of the routine.
I tried very hard to not have too many expectations before I came here for the simple reason that I was sure I would be wrong. That has turned out to be the one thing I was right about: that I would never have quite been able to prepare myself for the challenges that come from joining a somewhat transient community, living and working with the same people around the clock in an unfamiliar environment with no time to process what's going on.
I am a firm believer that the most challenging situations reap the biggest rewards. It's only one week in after all, and I remain positive that the foundation for a life-changing summer has been laid. What that means, I have no idea but maybe it's not my job to know that yet.
Helen McIntosh is a 20 year old trying to create more than she consumes. Writing is a way of banishing any circulating thoughts to make way for the new.
Helen McIntosh's previous articles may be viewed at www.pressserviceinternational.org/helen-mcintosh.html