So oddly enough - make of this what you will; the French Bordeaux helped me to hear the voice of God quite clearly! Or at least it felt like I could hear him more ‘cleanly’ out there than here. I am not saying I have lost my edge now, but I am saying that in this new time things feel different. Or do they?
Confidence does funny things to you. It causes you to feel, question and posit a bit more; like I have gone from running badly through a puddle to dancing through a beautiful forest. This time there is no – ‘I realize that there is work to be done in me’, as I guess I know that you can take that as read. We are all human and have our own individual things to work on. But right now, things feel good for me. But the dancing is starting to go to my head, as I can feel how I am changing in my engagement with God. When I finished my season in France, I felt him say that I need to click my fingers and declare that a new job come as quickly as that. It happened, which was amazing!
Though now, I am looking for my next contract and I felt the same kind of voice from God calmly tell me to wait until the end of my contract before I look. But rather than just go, ‘OK’, I said – ‘let me ask a question, God’. It was a funny, weird response from me, and one which I am not used to giving him, or anyone else for that matter. Discussing my life in any other tone than a mute bleat sounds a little too grown up and reasonable for me right now. But here I was, telling the Almighty what I thought.
The reason for my request came from my knowledge of the film world - because this is how the film world works. I was telling Jesus how the contract world worked - because clearly he needed me to give him cliff notes! I felt him smile and say “OK – just do this”. I sent my emails and thought I would be done with that. Then I felt a little frustrated and again – call me crazy on this - but can you ever sense or know that God changes his tone on you? I feel like when I know I hear him speak, it feels great, and I want it like that every time, not just a few times when I am having a deep connection on a walk or in my sleep. I sat with God one evening and I wrote down what I wanted from my next job. And I pointed and said – ‘this is what I want’. I did not give a fig about my tone I just said – ‘this is what I want’.
Then…I went to a prayer meeting, but before I did, I responded on an email. I asked for prayer for a job. I saw the response to my email and it was a few minutes after my prayer ended; inviting me for an interview! I rang the accountant up and had a chat and it became clear that I ticked ALMOST all the boxes. I say almost because there is one that it did not tick – and that is money. I laugh at this, as it has been an issue my whole working life. I said to God – this is an issue for me, but you decide. I did not change my voice – I just said it how I said it. I felt like I was being rude to God, or bad mannered. I questioned him again on this. He reminded me of how he has seen many people over the years – arguing with him; he literally said to me,“I appear to people who are high, drunk, a real mess, am I so small in your eyes that I am offended by you being more direct with me?”
Expressions of faith
So again, I waited. The funny thing is that I have been sharing my God journey with a few people at work who are not Christian, which has been interesting. Their response has been curious and bemused. I then got an email from someone who had responded to an initial email I had sent to her in early January. She said that she was looking for someone just like me – and would I be free for an interview? It was really funny as I think about it, because her email to me came about an hour after I had said to my colleagues – “I am saying to God, you sort it”. My mind boggles – here I am behaving like a grown up in front of God, no longer a child.
It feels odd to me as we are meant to be child-like in faith. Taking his hand and allowing ourselves to be led by him. But here I am being a little more stubborn. I am not sure if I have an answer on this yet because I am not quite sure what my question or problem is! I guess I am expressing a level of disquiet at my new way of relating to God – the notion that I can go from being a child to a friend, we can partner together in my future and that I can discuss this with him feels a little alien, but really amazing! I know that sometimes you do too, without question. God shrouds the path in mist – but other times I feel like he gives you a map and helps you to read it too! I feel like I am in an orienteering lesson with him; where he is teaching me how to read the lines on hills and where I can find the north!
I guess I am not saying anything grand or dramatic this time; it feels more experiential. I am giving a story about my story and hoping that it resonates. The final word on the interview is that I did not get the job. So it is back to the drawing board and re-assessing of the map. But I felt God say just now – do not worry about getting it wrong. Just come back to me. So that is what I am going to do. How is your map-reading going?
Rosie Robinson is a PSI young writer based in England.