In culture today, there is a slight obsession with knowing. Whether it is knowing yourself, knowing the world in which you live, knowing your spouse or boss, knowing it seems is very highly desired by people.
This is, a good thing and I am not knocking it. When you have greater knowledge of a subject you generally feel more fulfilled either as a participant or a user. If you know about football, you will enjoy watching a match more. If you know nothing about Formula 1, you can expect to not get those hours back!
As I have transitioned into a season of flux and change, from my location to my job, church to work industry I have had to feel increasingly comfortable with not knowing. Not having any knowledge of what my job would actually entail, not knowing how God would provide a place for me to live and where I would go to Church meant that the ‘unknowingness’ of where I was became uncomfortably comfortable.
Not knowing became a place that I knew well. The practical ramifications of this are that you feel like you constantly exist feeling a little uncertain. You step carefully as you worry about the unknown – but you live there!
I puzzle over this now because I have found that I want to know what the will of God is in my life. I was questioning it for a while, but then ignored it. I sort of bounced around, without pondering if he had a plan. As a result of this I sort of meandered, rather uncertainly to this point, where I am writing from now. It was not as though I suddenly discovered that I was meant to be here, but it was that I had a bit of an ‘a-ha’ moment with God. And it came about, oddly enough in a very trying time.
I had received some feedback from my manager that caused me to curl up inside. The moment felt like it was unjustified and irrevocable. I felt as though I had nowhere to hide and no defender. But what was so strange was the force of my response to it. I felt physically ill and sick because of what was said to me. And I went home and prayed. I was scrolling through social media and praying for inspiration.
I came across a preacher who was talking about the story of Jesus and the calming of the storm. He described the disciples who had followed Jesus in the boat and the crowds who had stayed on the bank. He said that Jesus knew that a storm was coming – he must have done! He led the disciples into a storm to show them something of his power and might. The storm was a teaching for the disciples in a way that the bank could never be. Jesus wants to teach you something in the storm. Cause even in the storm, you can learn and you can be in the right place because sometimes the storm is the right place.
Challenging at times
God bought it home to me so powerfully after this incident at work. I have found it challenging in times gone by to express myself in the workplace. I am getting better, but I feel still a little like I need to find my voice. If I have an issue with someone I feel the need to swallow it – partly because I am not sure how to voice my concern without sounding a bit annoyed!
In these instances I have just remained silent and prayed. My prayer was more of a cry this time. I knew that God had seen what had happened and I knew that he loved the person in question as much as he loved me. God shows no favouritism which I love – and hate! I remained silent and waited for him to act. I felt like he was saying to me that I should let him be my defender. I did. I was too angry and hurt to do much else.
I just prayed and cried out to him some more. Without going into it, I felt so strongly that God’s hand was on the situation that I marvelled at his goodness to me. God bought me favour and came to my rescue in a way that I had never seen him do in my life – until now. And when I walked to my car on Friday night and I was chatting to God… I suddenly got it.
I went – ‘daddy you have got me in the right place’ because even when it is hard, God is still at work in my life and turning situations round for his glory. God saw that this circumstance was going to break me, but he made it grow me instead. I made a decision that, until I find my voice, I will remain silent and allow God to speak and act for me. With a mighty shout, God has. Thank you Lord.
Rosie Robinson is a Press Service International young writer from England
Rosie Robinson is a PSI young writer based in England.