This article contains musings… wonderings, hopes and dreams. I only write this as the journey or process of writing an article can at times feel more like a personal pep talk rather than a sound out to an invisible audience.
As I think back over the amount of articles I have written and the sometimes last minute stress I have put myself under in order to start, maintain and finish an article I wonder if it has been worth it and if anyone, most of all me has actually learnt anything from the experience.
Musing for musing sake can feel like a bit of a philosophical exercise in emotion dumping. I have no idea if what I have said to myself or to anyone else has been helpful or indeed necessary and yet I still think that this; the simple act of putting pen to paper will somehow have an effect. It is a cleansing experience, if nothing else.
I have also been guilty of simply staring at a blank screen going “What on earth am I going to write now” and feeling as though I have nothing to say… Literally, nothing.
But then God comes and drops something into my consciousness; it is almost as though when I chose to empty myself of what I think would sound good, God comes and gives me something to say. What has God been saying to me recently? I feel like God has been saying to me that he has the power and authority to sustain and complete what he chooses to set in motion.
Strange for me
This is a strange one for me, as I feel sometimes as though things are set in motion which I did not have control over, or indeed even command. I feel conscious but like I am floating, a pleasant but also un-nerving reaction to a life which has not had a plan, but has rather unfurled in front of me.
When I have attempted to plan, I have felt scared and almost gone back on the default mode of; it is bad to plan because it takes away the spontaneity of living in the now. Yet I have to say that not only to I find plans helpful but at times necessary to quell my raging mind.
I find that I want to know what I am doing next or where I am going. It is necessary. This applies not just to the current season I am in but the life I want to lead. Yet it is almost as though God is teaching me to be more spontaneous and less - boring?
My current walk with God is feeling lonely at the moment if I am honest. Disconnected from my church and struggling with my quiet time and heart for worship I feel easily and heavily influenced by what is around me. Things I would not dream of considering before feel quite normal as a possibility now – I am not quite sure what to make of this.
Should I feel excited by the fact that I am taking more risks and “growing up” or should I try to be more like I was before and be “uninfluenced” by what is going on around me? I do know that whatever happens I am not sure that I want to be like this forever. The fervor and faith that I once had has been taking a beating.
Ready for change
Even if I feel strong at the moment it is also, I believe possible to feel weary and ready for change. I want to be back in my church family and raising my arms to worship God. It feels like it is something that perhaps I “should” be okay with to do on my own but the reality is that when you lack community you lack something deep.
I need to hear other voices agree with my hearts cry of God being King. Yet the learning or “take-away” from this season is that it is possible to develop on one’s own. The incredible landscape and surrounding area that I have the privilege of seeing every day is surely enough to turn my heart to worship and my soul to sing and praise God?
The “surely” that is mentioned so often in the musings and thoughts of many biblical writers feels important to me right now. It feels like a reminder to myself that when my thoughts lose themselves in the desert and run riot at night, that I can be assured of the certainty of God bringing order and clarity to my thought life and of the night passing to give way to a new morning. This may seem trite but in reality it has been very helpful to me. I may find myself being influenced by what surrounds me, but I felt God say that it is natural “wear and tear”. If I am going to kick off, do it where no one hears but him!
I have struggled in this season, but similarly and perhaps contrastingly have also felt more self-assured and calm than ever before. I had something I was praying about and felt God instantly flick a switch. The situation did not just get better; it transformed. I felt God say that he can switch on and move anything he wants at any time he likes.
I am learning to lean on God more in this season. I am learning to keep the faith, away from my home church. I am learning to get strong. I am learning to plank and praise.
Rosie Robinson is an English Press Service International young writer
Rosie Robinson is a PSI young writer based in England.