As I was thinking where I was when I last wrote my article, I cast my mind back to my flat in France. I was sitting on my balcony with a coffee and a mock pair of Ray-ban sunglasses on, thinking about what to write and how to get my “message” across.
I think I was talking about the need to reflect on the season just gone, whilst also admitting to myself that sometimes reflection is hard. Well, the imbibing of dark brown liquid to aid fruitful sentences has not changed! I am however being a good girl and wearing reading glasses rather than sun glasses (I am inside after all!)
However, the silent but audible need to reflect and to LEARN has not changed. I am not “numb as I get on the bus” but I requested something very specific from God, received it and yet have not actually rejoiced/enjoyed it yet.
I finished my ski contract and came back home (England) to a great welcome from my parents. As I bounced onto my bed and settled into a season of suspension, I fully expected to get a temporary job before having what I would perceive as “the next thing”. I was OK with this and did not expect it to be any different.
But clearly God had other plans. After casually joining a Facebook group of likeminded people who were advertising jobs in my desired industry, I found myself emailing a contact with my CV. I fully expected the usual “thanks but no thanks” in response. My faith levels were clearly brilliantly high!
I received a flurry of emails back and forth and eventually was introduced to her colleagues on email – clearly indicating that I had been accepted! It was my ideal contract, with an ideal start time. Everything had Gods’ fingerprints on it. But.. I felt a bit weird.
Setting up the article; where am I in my “hanging”
Why did I feel so strange about this job? I am awaiting some details, but I feel like if I am a Christian who trusts God and believes that things work out I should be just chillaxing and finding any available hammock right? Is there something I am missing in my Christian walk?
I was talking to God about it this morning, not just about this situation but about most occasions when I have had the opportunity to relax or just breathe a little - yet I find myself worrying or vexed in some way. It is almost as though I have a Martha spirit. I am in constant “find job” or “self-improvement” mode.
I receive daily job alerts, the vast majority of which are irrelevant but as I am thinking about it even this must put me on edge. It is almost like a reminder that my current state is not rest or contentment but “must do better”. This is exhausting and sucks the joy out of me.
Processing why I am there
Why am I even here? I guess part of me is still on the “do better” treadmill. Part of me is still playing the comparison game. Part of me is still looking for the next gig. It is opportunistic and horribly untrusting.
I know God will provide for me but I still worry about when his provision will be; the amount and the quality. As though I seriously think God will give me a stone when I have asked for bread. Funnily enough when I finished one contract God spoke to me about this and said that contracts are a chance for you to learn to trust me.
I clearly learnt really well as I signed the dotted line on a permanent position! Thank you pension and healthcare! But now I think maybe it is time to re-open that chance to trust God and know his leading. I am also trying to balance this is in a small way.
When I got home I was convinced that I needed to totally update my wardrobe as I had “nothing to wear”! I now realise that I was completely wrong and that I actually have way more than I think I do. Is it about perspective or the neater folding of current clothes? Or just saying to God – in this small area please make me see what I have rather than what I lack.
Point of reference or thought – this is a thing
I know that it is not just me that struggles to process the “in-between” times. You are in the waiting room and thinking about the next contract, the next operation, the next season and term and trying to do small picture things like; learning to love every day whilst also planning the next five/ten years.
I am not there on the 3/5 year plan yet but I find that my mind is trying to do soft and near focus and sometimes gets it right and sometimes wrong. For instance I am trying to think “God if I do a contract life, how will that affect where I live? “, “God I want to remember the butterfly species that I saw today with my dad”.
The times in-between the waiting room scenario are times when your brain is really challenged to think well and positively about the future – to not scaremonger yourself into going back on your word.
A possible solution
Solution one is to walk back to your previous comfort zone, when faced with uncertainty. I am not sure how I feel about that. It is safe, but also perhaps a plan that God would say is not what he is calling me to. As I think about how God sees contract life for me, I felt him smile and the word “Adventure” came up. I felt like God was calling me to trust him as Chief Navigator. I think I can.
If the second solution is to therefore hand the keys of your life over to Jesus you can only do that if you develop your trust. Trust comes through communication. Communication comes through relationship; developing an ability to chat to Jesus like he is your daddy.
I am learning how to hang out with Dad. My earthly father has been taking me on some cool little outings – I am rediscovering butterflies and dragonflies and birds and animals. I have a walk with Jesus every day where I just hang out and chatter to him. He chatters back. I am learning to hang out.
Rosie Robinson is a Press Service International young writer from England.