Looking back at my past writings, I see how I had come to realize so many things. God had allowed me new perceptions, insights, discoveries, ideas. I would live on them for a few days, weeks and months even, but when sin takes me by the hand, it seems as though its wide palm covers everything up and I no longer see.
The Power of Sin
Its approach is soundless, barely harmful. It lays its entirety flat on the ground, hardly moving. But like a serpent, it slithers unhurriedly, only to carefully wrap its cold body around and around its prey and devour it whole.
It is incredible how firm its tightness can be, how breathless it can make me. Yet what is truly astonishing is how complacent and indifferent I am at its threats. Sometimes, I would calmly watch its fangs bite into me, though I am aware its poison would soon overtake me.
As I sit down and reflect on this finally, I know it all comes down to “purposelessness”. I had run every single day, busily going through my tasks, ticking boxes off and getting about many things, yet without a reason. I simply had jobs in front of me, so I would do them, but without much thought.
The lack of motivation thus eventually slowed me down, making me unable to strive further with the same power. Runs turned into walks, which then turned into crawls.
This was the best time for the serpent to make its move. I was a weak and tasty prey – the best target.
Back when God became the centre of my life, I was eager. I had finally realised the reason for my breath and wanted to do all that I can in my place to glorify Him. I wanted to work harder and harder in all areas of my life to be the best soldier in command.
Yet in the busyness and chaos, I had somehow thought God can come later. I had work to do, so I put off praying for later. I had boxes to tick, so I put off Bible reading for later.
Sleep would engulf me and the next day, rather than reflecting, repenting and refocusing, I would set my mind on the things I need to do for that day again.
What a fool I was, when God is the very reason I work, live and breathe.
I remember watching an interview of a father reflecting on his relationship with his children. He had lived his life like a battle, working day and night to not only feed and clothe his children but to gift them a better future.
But because of this love for them, he was almost always absent in his children’s life. In times when they needed him, he was away working and when he would come home, he would be too exhausted to play with them.
He commented that as he had been so focused in the purpose he had built for himself, he had been blinded to see that what his children truly wanted was a dad that they could talk to, play with, build a firm trusting and loving relationship with.
Though I do not think this dad’s efforts have been wasted, I definitely think I need to also refocus before it’s too late. I am utterly thankful that God’s love is steadfast and unchanging even in my foolishness and failures.
I am eager to run back to God, fall on my knees and beg for His mercy that I know He will pour on me so lovingly. I pray to be forgiven of my pride and selfishness and to have His goals set back firmly in my view so that I can joyfully live a life full and purposeful: “purpose-full!”
Sunny is as a weak as a broken reed, a flickering candle. But Abba God shows His abundant mercy again and again by incredibly loving this hopeless being. Soli deo Gloria.