Eight months ago, I wrote an article called ‘The risk of failure; is it worth it? https://christiantoday.com.au/news/the-risk-of-failure-is-it-worth-it.html
This short article was inspired by the recent redemption I had experienced from a lifetime of living with the immense fear of failure and vulnerability.
I remember being so passionate and excited about writing it and yet still feeling so vulnerable and exposed… Submitting the article felt like a victory to me; another step toward courage and vulnerable living in and of itself.
At the time, I had just been accepted into a Bachelor of Biomedical Science and the next month was planning to commence to begin the long journey to an MD.
Applying to the degree took a lot of effort.
I had to fight off the familiar self-sabotaging tendency of procrastination and I had to rally myself to give my all into my application (which called for even more vulnerability).
After I submitted the application, I felt powerful and strong; I still had loads of doubts, but I was proud of myself for applying in spite of them.
But, even after I was accepted, I still didn’t have a lot of faith in myself.
I didn’t know if I would have the discipline to do well with my self-directed studying. I was worried I would get bored and feel trapped in my degree, leading me to flake out of it. I was concerned I would be too weak to endure the long voyage.
Now, it’s only eight months on, yet my life looks completely different to what I was expecting.
I couldn’t afford to go to the university I was initially accepted into, so I postponed my start date and applied to the same degree at a local university. In July, I officially commenced and now I am already past the halfway mark of my first semester.
I am loving studying. I feel so alive and engaged - going to university is always a highlight of my week.
The doubts I had when I first applied are barely recognisable to me anymore.
I am dedicated to discipline and I’m learning how to be a better student with every class and topic I study.
I work hard and I maintain vision to why I started to begin with and to whom I do it all for (that would be God).
My capacity has expanded exponentially. The faith I have in myself is so much more secure and the faith I have in God’s steadfast love, even stronger.
From the valleys to the…?
To be honest, if you told me a year ago what my life would look like now, I’d be running in the opposite direction.
Partially because of the fear I was carrying around, but also just because everything seems absolutely crazy (it is).
I left my secure part-time job to study full-time and now my only income is freelancing (videography, graphic/web design and social media marketing).
The house I live in is being sold, so now I’m hopping between housesitting gigs on my own, without anywhere stable confirmed for the future.
The only family I have in this country as well as some of my closest friends are all going on their own separate adventures around the world.
Hmm… Yep, everything is absolutely crazy.
But, the amazing thing (that is so apparent when comparing the current Laura to the Laura who wrote that article eight months ago) is, I can confidently say that I have lived out what I wrote about and grown in even more ways than I expected.
I am so proud to see that I have changed so significantly this year.
I am elated to say that I did and still do risk failure to pursue my dreams and that I did and still choose to live my days out with courage.
I have chosen to take off my intellectual armour and peel off the masks that make me look and seem in control but in reality just disconnect me from people who actually care about me.
I’m learning how to do it better every single say.
I’m so glad I’ve taken the time to reflect on this past year, as it proves to me even more how much potential I have and how miraculous our God is.
Yes, it has been uncomfortable.
Yes, it has involved doing so many things I did not want to do:
- asking for help
- talking about things I felt made me weak
- crying in front of people
Yes, it meant not doing things I’d done for years:
- pretending I was okay to avoid being seen as weak
- acting out destructively when feeling vulnerable to avoid being hurt
- disconnecting from my feelings altogether
The list goes on, I’m telling ya.
But the freedom and quality of life I am experiencing far outweigh the pain and discomfort of failure and rejection.
The reward from being deeply honest and so deeply accepted by people makes the falling-down-and-getting-back-up-again journey so worth it.
Laura Miles is an excitable and fast-paced Brit, living in Australia. She can’t sit still; she has a serious addiction to sudoku, and she can be won over by a good cup of tea and a laugh. Studying to become a doctor, she is expectant and excited to see all the crazy things that the Lord is going to do in her life.
Laura Murphy is an excitable and fast-paced Brit, living in Australia. She can’t sit still; she has a serious addiction to sudoku, and she can be won over by a good cup of tea and a laugh. Studying to become a doctor, she is expectant and excited to see all that God is going to do with her life.