The following exchange between Trendy-Enthusiastic-Lad and Sensible-Parent-Of-Kid took place at 14:31:08 hrs last Tuesday. Any resemblance to real life is entirely intentional.
TEL: Hi! Howyadoin’? So you wanna buy a phone?
SPOK: Yes. Cool! I mean, yes I’m just looking. Checking options for my 14 year-old. What’ve you got?
TEL: Well that depends.
SPOK: Depends? On what?
TEL: On what you want.
SPOK: Well, I want something safe and secure, basic, easy to use. Long battery life. Not too expensive. Cheap call rates. Plenty of data. No complicated contract.
TEL: No worries. You’d be best on a PLAN. This antiqued silver machine with relaxed platinum buttons is our most popular phone. Very hip. The call rate is cool – 100 calls a month costs less than 100 texts a week and you get 20 latte credits for the JavaJumpin’ coffee shop.
SPOK: So what’s it cost?
TEL: Well, it depends how much you use it. What PLAN you’re on.
SPOK: Can’t I just buy the phone and pay as I go?
TEL: Well, yeah. You could. Lots of people do. But it might be better to get this wicked blue one on a PLAN including the latest ZING and bonus features. A PLAN’S the way to go.
SPOK: Better? ZING? Bonus features?
TEL: ZING makes the calls go faster. Pay monthly and get really cheap calls to Ouagadougou on Thursdays, but pay weekly and you can phone Hollywood every day for 8 minutes and 20 seconds. For this week only you can have this indigo phone with camera hidden near the mouthpiece – email a photo to your overseas dentist for a quote on your kid’s braces. Haha! Just joking.
SPOK: (Groan) What’s a local call cost?
TEL: Depends what PLAN. Local calls are free on Tuesdays and half price on Saturdays. There’s no charge if calls are made from a school bus. And if you use spellchecker for texting you get a bonus 2k gigglybits of data per month. This month there’s a discount for people with green hair who wear stripey sandals. Whoa, nearly forgot! There’s this far-out micro roll-up one. Just got this one today. Compatible with ZING and SNOZZ. Call anywhere in the world on Mondays between midnight and 1.03 am. That’s with the usual backtofront payment option. Go for the 100 for 100 WHAM rate and send 725 messages per day, for free. You get a free Smartypants watch with it. Now which PLAN did you want to go for?
SPOK: Hhmmm ... is there one with a free set of steak knives?
TEL: Yeah, whatev’. Get back to me. But remember – this offer only holds till tomorrow.
Thank God for his PLAN for us.
Always on offer, clear, simple, long-distance or local, no timed calls, no hidden costs, no fine print, unlimited data and absolutely FREE!
Sheelagh Wegman is a freelance editor and writer. She worships at St David’s Cathedral in Hobart and lives in bushland on the foothills of kunanyi/Mt Wellington.
Sheelagh Wegman’s previous articles may be viewed at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/sheelagh-wegman.html