Have you ever gotten into an argument with someone more than once? Have you assumed that this person is definitely the antagonist of the issue and you are the pardoned angel?? I know I have. And I realized that my perspective on the situation needed some adjustment, before I could hand out a verdict.
This might seem like an unpopular view, but no one is a “bad person”. Yes, persons do wrong things, but I am learning that no one is bad, we are all searching for love and acting out of our own wounds. When it comes on to disagreements, fights and tiffs, the root can many times be traced back to an issue of communication.
This could be how a message is sent, or how its interpreted. In the heated arguments I have been in recently, I must admit I have incorrectly interpreted many things said to me, and I labelled my dearest loved one as a villain when all they are is a hurting person, longing for love that was never given.
Can you relate? We often get together at school or work and discuss our relational woes. Our husbands are selfish, our bosses are hard to please, our children are rude, our parents don’t have boundaries, our church sisters are gossips, our church brothers are lustful, our siblings are jealous and the lady driving the car in front of us is illiterate.
On we go ranting about everyone’s “wrongs” missing the message each of these offenses are sending. Furthermore, we miss the fact that our own brokenness influences how we view other people and their actions. Could it be that our spouses are just a bit insecure and not bullies? Could it be that our bosses are self-critical and project that onto us? Could it be that our parents love us but have never learnt to express love in a healthy way?
We often interpret demands as abusive, but could the phrase “give me that” mean “I’m desperate and afraid”? Remember, we often clothe our hurts with pride and ignore our wounds, so a hurting person, when mixing pride in their wounds will come off as “toxic” as the world calls it. Don’t get me wrong, many of the offenses listed above are wrong and warrants correction, but in many instances, extending empathy and understanding is much more healing to all involved.
To forgive
I keep wondering why in the bible it is emphasized to forgive… not just once or twice, but seventy times seven. Could it be Christ knew no matter how hard we try, communication and understanding each other won’t be easy? Could it be He just wants to strike the point home that to be forgiven, we must keep forgiving, or is it that He knew the most healing thing is to forgive and not insist on “changing” and “receiving apologies”.
I know, it's never easy. Early in my journey towards mental and emotional healing, I thought receiving apologies and persons in my life changing would be the secret ingredient to my healing. In fact, I first enrolled in therapy to see how clever my therapist would be in staging certain interventions for persons whose behaviour was deeply affecting me. About a year in, I learnt that changing persons and demanding apologies are ideal, but ever guaranteed.
If I wait for those two events to come in order to heal, I will prolong my suffering and stall the process of reaching wholeness much longer than needed. When I realized that communication and hidden messages behind words may paint a different picture than my assumptions, my heart grew tender to those in my life who are acting out and getting on my nerves just a bit too much.
In closing, I want to challenge you to rethink your relationships and those you view as “problem” people. Are you misunderstanding them?? No doubt, if you are, you cannot absolve yourself as innocent no matter what they are doing. I encourage you to look at Christ’s example, He always sought to understood WHY persons do what they do. Understand, give empathy, forgive and you will heal! There’s no use in blaming, so give it up, in exchange for a glorious peace.
Blessings!
Elizabeth is a student of Applied Behaviour Analysis and Special Education, a proud public speaker at Toastmasters International and budding entrepreneur. In my free time, she loves reading, cycling, crocheting and most recently, mastering cuisine in the kitchen. Her life’s ambition is to own an international non-profit ministry focusing on eliminating poverty in Africa and Asia as well as ministering mental and emotional healing.